Why cant I get things out of my mind?

Not sure where this post will go or what it will cover but I really just need to vent. The last few days havent been good for me depression wise and I have been trying to hold it together for K's sake.
Monday I go get a second opinion at another dentist because the first one I saw was a Quack! At least in my book. The new dental place is much better (K recommended it) but with good service comes a hefty price and I fear among other things that my insurance isnt going to consider their fees "reasonable and customary". The worst part is though, that they did confirm some of what the first dentist said and that I need LOTS of work on my teeth. Among things like pulling 2 wisdom teeth and another tooth. 2 sessions of periodontal cleaning to save my gums and supposedly 2 crowns, though I am going to have to draw the line at this one. Crowns alone would cost me $500 each IF the insurance covers the rest of their cost. It just has me soooooo depressed because my last $2,500 I had saved from my divorce settlement was suppose to last for a long time and hopefully be used towards K and I buying a house someday. Its all the money I have left and may cost me all of it to save my teeth. All the other cash from my divorce got eaten up by my move down here....It just scares me so to be broke for one thing.. One of the reasons I got divorced was my Ex always had us deep in debt and I cant stand to live like that. Before I got married I always had enough money for everything AND a savings. Now I could lose everything. Because on top of this, I could very well get slammed by the IRS next year. I have to pay taxes on my alimony and part of my settlement money (some is tax free but not all) and to top it off, I DONT get to claim my son next year, the EX does. We alternated years. *sigh
Then add to my depression the fact that more then anything I promised to take care of K and make her life easier, not harder. I know her parents will begin to hate me if I cant take care of her and I dont blame them. She deserves happiness after all she has been thru and instead she has to deal with my woes too. I know its hard on her because she is trying so hard to not have the pressure of negatives in her life, since they dont help her keep control of her bi-polar; but its soo hard for me to not worry. Its like asking me to just change my DNA.. but I try soo hard for her because I promised I would (and I will do anything) for her.....but I know I am letting her down and that depresses me Most of all.
Now I am faced with another scary situation in my life and I want so much to block it out, till it happens but I dont know how.
Colon cancer runs in my family and I am at High risk because of that and the fact that I have had pre cancerous polyps removed 3 years ago. Now I need to have a colonoscopy done every 3 years and they called today to say I have one scheduled for Sept 13th. The actual procedure doesnt scare me or bother me at all. What has me sooo anxious is the fact that I found out today what kind of pre procedure prep this doctor uses and Im about to throw up over it. Its nothing like my 2 previous ones and seems soo hard on my body, Im shaking just thinking about it. I dont understand why they would need me to do all these things. In the past I cleaned out just fine with 2 small doses of magnisum citrate. This one calls for 3 laxitives 2 days before, then a Large dose of MC in the afternoon, 32 oz of liquid with glycolax in it in the evening, then Another LARGE dose of MC and then 3 more laxitives the night before.... My frigging insides will come out! I dont think I can do it but I cant not have this done because I dont want to die. I just think I will die before I ever get there if I have to do all this. Im scared shitless of trying to do all that (but maybe then I wont have to do any of it LOL... sorry for the bad humor)
But truly I am sooo scared and depressed. I know K will say dont worry about it and just talk to the doctor next week when I go for the prep visit, but I cant get it out of my mind.. Why cant I get things out of my mind?
The final top off of this is K is going to have to take off work to drive me there and back because they sedate me. I dont want her to get in trouble missing work or wasting a day off on me, but I need her there so bad.. I cant imagine trying to do this without her. Because if they find any polyops again, I may have happen what happened last time. A week after they removed them I started bleeding and ended up in the hospital for 2 days. This whole thing has me more of a wreck then K or anyone realizes and I dont know what to do..How do I get thru all this? Why can't I just let it go like K wants me to? Why does my mind not let go?

The Goddess within

Greetings you patient perusers of my prattling prose! I have finally returned to finish the tale of my inward search. Well perhaps not finish, since it is a journey, not a destination, but at least give you a small glimpse of what I have found.

Not sure all or any of you know but I consider myself a born again Pagan. Hehe about the born again part. I actually have been a pagan all my life and just didnt realize it because catholisim was being forced down my throat at the time. My earliest memory of religion though was asking my mother " if God is everywhere, why do we have to go to church to pray?" That didnt go over well! LOL But it is always how I have felt. I have felt the spirits of nature since I was a child and have been fascinated by the Native American ideas of living one's faith rather then having it preached to me. I have always known there are Goddesses too, since when I did have to suffer the trials of catholic church, my prayers were to the virgin Mary, not Jesus. But I digress from the point of my parable *grin.

One of the things that Beth pointed out to me when I met her, was how profound my chosen nickname was. I have always said to myself that Carolyn was who my mother wanted me to be but Caly is who I am. Anyway, it turns out that there is a Goddess named Caly, or rather pronounced Caly but spelled Kali. Full name is Kali Ma. She is an indian goddess and her story can be read here.
http://www.spiralgoddess.com/Kali.html .
At first I was disappointed in the thought of being connected to such a fierce and warrior goddess because I consider myself a lover not a fighter in so many ways. But K pointed out to me that I do love to play a warrior in my RPG game Everquest and I guess I do have that side to me in my butchness at times. Also once I read beyond the intial description of her, I realized Kali Ma is the goddess of Balance. The fire that destroys and then rebirths the forest. That without darkness there can be no light and that Kali Ma clears the darkness to allow the light to shine again. Finally when I read in another Pagan publication that Kali Ma is also a Lesbian Goddess, I knew that I had found my inner spirit indeed.
I hope to delve deeper into my spiritual quest as time goes on. I am not one to Practice a religion persay as I think religion is often the antithesis of God or the Goddesses. I try rather to live my faith as my love of nature bears witness.
Good Day.

Cool Week

I have had the coolest week and Tropopause if you are reading this, you will be very proud of me. Hehe.
I do know that its time to put some of my energy into changing the world. Margaret Mead said "Never doubt that a small group of committed citizen can change the world, Indeed, its the only thing that ever does."
Anyway, I have joined the local HRC Meetupgroup and intend to become a member of TEP which is the Tennessee Equality Project. I went to a meeting last Thursday and got to meet one of our local representatives to State Legislature and learn a little of what the outlook is for Gays in TN. Not great if we dont do Something! Fortunately we do have a few supporters in the Legistlature and an awesome Lobbist on our side. But I do realize now how important it is for ALL of us to speak up in some way, IF we expect change. No one else is going to do it for us.
But the other cool things that came out of this meeting, was that I met a contributing editor to the Local Gay Newspaper. "Out and About". She is an great lady and was much impressed by my story of moving all the way to TN to be with my Sweet Lady. She has asked if she can do a story on me for the next issue! I am very honored. Not that I think I did anything special (nothing more then anyone else would do for someone they loved) But if sharing my story will help someone else have the strength to make positive changes in their life too then it means alot to me. Ontop of this she also gave me a lead on having my Poem published 8-) ~ and has turned me on to some info that is helping me find the Goddess within me... Unfortunately I will have to address that in my next blog entry... so like the season finale of your favorite show... I leave you with....... TO BE CONTINUED.... *giggle

Words are all we have...

Oh the power of words both good and bad.... The title comes from a line in a BeeGees song..."and words are all I have, to take your heart away"

I thought about the children's rhyme too.."Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you" How untrue is that? I think words can cause hurt much deeper then a knife which at least is a tangible wound and can heal.. The pain from words sometimes lingers for a lifetime..

Today though I am about the Good words do and how they can be so incredibly uplifting and positive too. And what amazes me is, its often its the most simple of phrases at a time you least expect them, and that is why Im blogging today.

Last week when my Son was here he spent lots of time on the computer talking to internet peers thru an RPG group he belongs too. Its great to see him starting to reach out to the world and explore some of the horizons open to him. Anyway, I happened upon a page of posts he had left up when I was shutting down the computer one night. Though I would never purposely spy on my kid, I couldnt help but reading this exchange...
Missy~ " Hey I think Jen might be Bi"
Alex~ "why do you say that?
Missy~ "She told me she has a crush on Meghan"
Alex ~ "Wow"
Missy~ "Does that bother you all?"
Jordan(my son)~ " Nah, my Mom's a Lesbian, why would it bother me?"

Thats a bit of a paraphrase of course, except for the line by my son, thats an exact quote. And when I read it, it just made me sooo incredibly happy. First off to think that my Son is that sure of himself that he can share something like that with Peers is amazing, and secondly that he is apparently totally cool with who I am, takes an incredible load off my mind 8-)

The second set of words that filled me with happiness, happened also out of the blue. K and I watched Million Dollar Baby last night and after it was over I was feeling a bit emotional. Once again just thinking about my future and the unpredicabilty of life in the good sense and the bad. It just makes me want to live the life I have to the fullest no matter what....
So with that, I said to K the words that I have felt for a long time.."Will you marry me someday?" And her reply of "of course Sweetheart" sent a rush of happiness down to my toes that I hadnt expected. I mean I knew it would make me happy, but some times words just do more then that..It once again took our relationship to an even deeper and more meaningful level. God I love that woman!

Gosh, I know I'm rambling.. but that is what a blog is for right? To capture a moment in words and seal it in cyberspace forever.... 8-)

Date Night

A chance to reconnect. I dont think either of us realized how much we needed to do that. You can be so close to a person everyday and not really 'be there', its pretty wild. I think what happened is we have spent soo much of the past year being able to be totally there for each other, that the change to having our Kids and work and families needing us too, just became alot to juggle and because our Love is so strong, we kept connected that way, but when you are soulmates with a person, the connections go so much deeper then that.

Last night's date produced a poem, but it only speaks to one aspect of our reconnection. Sooooo much more of it was emotional and mental and spiritual then just the physical. But I truly dont have the words to express those feelings. It was incredible and wonderful and fullfilling in ways I hadnt even imagined when I decided we needed a date night.

It was fun too! hehe I bought K a rose and actually left the apartment and came around again to front door to 'pick her up' for our date. We went to the movies and held hands and just relaxed before coming home to music and candles and a bit of romance. This poem speaks to that part of the night...

7 Votives

Flames form a sanctuary
Darken the universe
Create our world

Heat builds
Unfed by flame
Inner fire burns

Hot night
Dripping wax
Wetness fuels the flame


<>

Well I would love to write more but work calls......

I want to Marry K !!

For the longest time, I thought that those fighting so hard to be able to marry were silly because a piece of paper doesnt change feelings or does not having one make a relationship any less real or meaningful.

And part of me still feels that way. My partnership with K is as real to us as anything on earth. In our God's eyes we are together because of the love and committment we have for each other and nothing more is needed.

Im realizing though How much it hurts and how hard it is when No one else in the world recognizes that union or supports your feelings. I have worn her ring for almost a year now and no one knows what it means. It was a stab in my heart the other day when my Son offhandedly said "K isnt family" Especially because of all the people in my life who do know about us, he is the most accepting and relaxed about Us when we are together. What does that say?

It just makes me feel SOO Alone. I realize that at this time if something happens to me, I will have to die alone, which is my greatest fear. Because No one recognizes the importance of K in my life and she would be kept from my side legally and socially because No one thinks what we have is real.

K's parents treat me like part of the family most times, but I know if any major decisions have to made about anything, I would be totally left out. Im not even in K's Will. Even little decisions about Holidays and trips dont include me in the process, only that they know I will be tagging along.

Thats what it feels like tagging along. The most important people in K's lives (her kids) dont even know about me. Im allowed to be pushed aside if they want something and I understand why K does it. They are her flesh and blood and in truth I am nothing.

Love works in our hearts but means nothing to the world... Im just so afraid to die alone......................