More Spiritual Stuff

I just finished answering a question at one of the message boards at iVillage and decided I wanted to share my thoughts with the world. (Well at least with the few people who decide to read my blog LOL)

The question asked was about free will vs. destiny and how we feel about that. This was my reply-

For me, I believe Life is a journey, not a destination and that we have a choice in everything we do. THAT is our free will. Those choices are not given to us BY anyone, they are a product of the world around us. We both act and react and both are choices. I do believe that there is a thing called Kismet or Fate, which is a force that sometimes comes into play in our lives. Its not a God or goddess that we can pray to and he or she will change the outcome for us. Its more of a collective energy generated by all the spirits in nature and in people. Being in the right place at the right time is a group thing, everyone making a certain choice at a certain time. I often don't worry about somethings as much because I know, "If it is meant to be it will be". So while we can make our own choices, we can't control the choices of others, therefore can't control the outcome and I don't believe a higher power does either. We are not chess pieces. We are all of us, the ying and the yang of each other. The balance is the outcome and our destiny.

Now the choice is yours to reply or not. Will it effect the outcome of either of our lives? Who is to say? Its all about the journey any way. Isn't it?

Home grown Goddess

I was going to blog about my boss at work and how miserable I am because of her, but decided she wasn't worth the effort.

So instead I will share about my Goddess. Back in July I read a book called "Dance of the Dissident Daughter". It was about a woman's journey toward feminism and to find her inner self. It was really interesting how she brought to light how patriarchal the church is in most religions and how much earlier beliefs were grounded in the idea of women being more revered in society. This is at the heart of my beliefs too. Or at least part of them. I don't think we need to 'worship' either male or female but a balance of both. However I do recognize that long before the bible, there was a strong matriarchal influence in our culture and I don't think it should be forgotten or pushed aside. Rather then subscribe to the idea of a omniscient, venegful God, who punishes at whim, I feel more in tune with a nuturing Goddess who asks only that we live in balance with all things; for if the balance is broken then nature's force is revealed.

Anyway, in the book, the author creates an altar to the Goddess in her home as a reminder of her strengths as a woman, and I thought that was neat. Not that I need or want an altar in my house. As I have said before, I don't 'worship' anything, I Live my beliefs in my daily life. However a reminder of what I believe is pretty cool to wake up to. I have a copy of the Desiderata on my wall, which is my mantra, (you can read it at my website if you don't know it), and I thought perhaps a goddess statue to go with some of my other Pagan symbols would be fun to have.

At first I was going to buy one, but couldn't find exactly what I wanted. During the course of the book, there are many forms of the goddess discussed within different cultures and for different reasons. What I really wanted was a compliation of all I saw in "my Goddess" in my soul. So I decided to make one. What better way to express one's beliefs after all? Hehe. Now mind you, I do not consider myself an artist in anyway, but since this was only representative of an idea and a focal point, I figured it didn't matter. It really is only for ME anyway.

What I came up with is this. Funny looking I know LOL.. sort of looks like a monkey at first glance, but hey! I believe in evolution among other things so perhaps that was just coming out in my mind. LOL
But it does have all the symbolism I envisioned, and I am proud of it. I Don't bow down before it and say prayers, nor do I think it protects me from harm. It does however remind me of my strength as a woman, and that life is a journey, and that nature plays a very important role in our world and in our lives, and we should respect that. ( That's a bamboo plant next to her by the way.)

Well I must say that sharing this has been much more cathartic then venting about my boss, so perhaps my Goddess did play a role in my life today. *Smile.... As she does every day!

Random Thoughts

Well for once I wish I didn't have time to blog.. *sigh because the reason I have time is I am home and off work today because of a bad tooth. It appears one of my molars has an abcess. It was fine last week before my cleaning, but just my luck that somewhere along the line the filling must have cracked and it got infected. There is No way I can afford a root canal, and even if I could, I am NOT going thru that again. I did that once and it was awful. Besides this is a back tooth and doesn't show, so I am just going to have it pulled on Monday. I told the dentist I lived for 32 years with one missing on the left side (that one abcessed when I was 14) so I would manage without this one. I am just mostly bummed about what this is doing to my finances. My dental insurance sucks as do most of them and I already know I need fillings done in a few weeks so my idea of saving for next years trip to NY is shot. The only good thing is in finding this new dentist, he agreed to fill my teeth rather then do the crowns the first guy wanted. That saves me a bit any way. Have I told you I hate Dentists? I even invested in AFLAC at work to try and help myself out, since I know I have bad teeth and this is just the beginning of what I will need done in the next 20 years, but that is turning out to be a pain too. You can't just submit claims, the dentist has to do it and there is a waiting period depending on the procedure. I tell you, they get you coming and going...

Let's see what else I can talk about. I have great plans for posting all sorts of things in my blog and then the moment passes and I end up with another "I wish I had"...

I do know that I wanted to add a picture .
This one is pretty special to me. It is the latest one of my Son and I- taken when he was down this summer. I know he is still pretty immature, and I have given up alot on him, to move down here and leave him with his Dad. I know it was a trade off, because there are things he needs from his father now that I could never give, and I babied him way too much when I was around, but I still struggle to still be the best mom I can be to a teenager long distance and I wish I could do more. Yet I do think he is a pretty damn good kid deep down and I pray that the fates will be good to him.

Do you know what my mother said when she saw this photo?
"You look old!" Then she said, " I guess I never have anything good to say do I? What I mean is, its the first photo I have seen where you look your age." LOL First of all, how the heck am I suppose to look being 46 and having a 15 year old son? Personally I feel I look pretty damn good! Hehehe Secondly, my mother never does have anything good to say. ROFL The fact that she admitted it though is a big step for her. We have come a long way in the last 2 years as far as our relationship goes. Our trip to visit them next April should be interesting, though I honestly finally think it will go Okay.

Think I am going to leave it at that for now.