Why is this so hard?

Its stupid really. Im a grown woman and I should know better. Of course I understand deep down why, I am older and they are just kids...but it doesnt make it any easier.. maybe part of it is because it makes me feel so worthless like when I was a kid. When my grandfather died, I wasnt allowed to show any emotion because it would upset my brother and sister and I was "older"...

But you cant help having feelings... I guess what I want most is for someone to understand that.. I cant talk about this... it makes me feel even more worthless, because I cant be the 'bigger person' and just pretend it doesnt matter...

but it makes me feel like I dont matter. I am already considered some sort of sociopathic loser down South and a depraved monster who is going to harm children by my partners ex husband, and those things are eating at my self esteem more each day. I worked so hard for 2 years to convince myself I was a good person and now I have to hide that fact because the kids are 2 young to understand....

I know I'm rambling, I know it makes no sense. I know I just have to 'suck it up' and deal with it, because they do come first and always will...

I guess thats really what I cant talk about because I cant be like 'him'.. I dont ever want to be like 'him'....
but have you ever wanted to just once feel .... no I wont say it... It doesnt matter... My mom is right, when you have kids your not suppose to be happy..

Its just with my age and the kids ages, Im not sure I will live to get a chance to be happy... I was given this gift of a soulmate, but for how long? I fear dying so much...

Can ANYONE understand how hard it is to Love someone soo much and have to hide that Love? To be in the same room and have to pretend you dont exist.. to need Touch sooo much and not be allowed to touch? Because it makes you some depraved monster?

I know some of this is hormones... Hell Im 45 and going thru perimenopause on top of it all....
The world has an awful sense of humor doesnt it?............

Where are they coming from?

The nightmares that is. I feel like I havent had a peaceful nights sleep in almost a week and its driving me crazy. The dreams are never the same 2 nights in a row, and more bizarre then really scary but still I wake up exhausted sometimes. Last night's dealt with first not remembering where I worked and running around trying to get K to help me remember. Then when I did remember and tried to get there it turned in to my old high school and first I was in the auditorium with all this people I wondering why I wasnt asked to be on the basketball team. Then instead they ask me to run the bake sale and I think that is better then nothing. So I am really late for work now and when I get to the basement where the Kitchen is, first there is an Italian resturant there with people I dont know and then the staff I am suppose to be in charge of not knowing who I am.

This dream may have to do with some of the issues I'm having at work which I can understand. But I have had bizarre dreams too lately that seem to have nothing to do with anything.

I just want to sleep and rest... *sigh I may look up and see if this is another perimenopause symptom and if it is ... GRRRRRRRRRRRR I cant take 10 years of this!

First Poem for the Blog

Well today I finally finished a poem that has been running around my head for 2 months. I have always said that I don't write poetry, it writes itself when its ready. This seems so true with this one. I have been collecting images in my head of the men who eat at the Salvation Army, knowing there are poems to be found there and finally one has emerged. The more I read it the more I like it so hopefully others will too.. But one thing I have always been certain about, I don't write to please the masses, I write what is in my heart.

Leprechaun

Chipped nails
and oversided knuckles
grip the brown paper fiercely.

Deep set eyes
dart quickly 'round
for safety,
While thin lips
mutter thanks.

Nesting then
upon and overturned milk crate,
hunched shoulders
guard the prize.

Yesterday's ham
between two slices of bread
and a twinkie.

A toothless smile
lingers over this
pot of gold

and I am the leprechaun.

~Caly D 2005~

What do I need?

I have been thinking about this alot since K asked me yesterday if she filled my needs. She does in every way 8-) What do I need though? I know most of all I need physical touch. Whether its because I didnt get it as a child or its just something deep inside of me. When K touches me it is like being placed in a deep pool of warm water. Every part of me relaxes no matter what may be going on in my life or my head. The feelings of love that spring forth are immeasurable. Its so beyond the erotic turn on that so many feel is what Love is about. Its an emotional connection like we are one person and all my hopes and fears can travel over the connection and I am taken care of forever.Thats why I think it has gotten SOO hard for me to not be "out" as a couple in so many situations. When we walk the dog along the river and we dont hold hands its like suddenly being put in a sealed glass box. People see the pain but can not help and Im slowly suffocating. I never thought that the touch of another person could mean so much..What else do I need? I think the only other thing is to be needed. I have said that all my life in all areas. Feeling like I am part of things and serve a purpose is what drives me. With K and the girls its sooo important to me to feel like I am part of the family and included in plans and solutions..Beyond that my needs are simple...
Knowing that I have what I need to take care of My Sweet Lady...as far as food, shelter and the day to day things go.. things all of us need.......

Need to Vent

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Now this is a reason for having a blog! I get so annoyed sometimes at things that go on at message boards but obviously cant post my thoughts there because I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. *sigh Now I totally understand about why a friend has said what she has said in her blog.

I love sex with K sooo much and I love to hint about our fun sometimes at the LL board, however hearing the graphic details from certain people about their sexual exploits I find soooo highly unnessesary. Just drives me crazy!!!!!!! There is soo much more to life then sex,, contrary to the opinion of most men and some women 8-)

Ok done venting LOL

Joining the multitude

Well, I had often said I wouldnt do this because I just dont have the time any more for ONE more thing at the computer. But realizing it would easier to comment on others blogs if I had an account was the final push to make me do this. That and maybe sometimes I Do need a place to blow off steam and maybe this will be it. I am also thinking it may be a good place to gather some of my poetry that at the moment is floating all over cyber space LOL

By the way, in case anyone is wondering, I chose Moon Shadows as a title because the Moon gives off no light of its own but rather reflects the light of the Sun, hence the shadows here will be a reflection of me 8-)