Back to being a Poet

Well now that I am truly settled both here in TN and with my life with my Sweet Lady *big grin, I feel like I need to get back to being a Poet. Pursing that dream of being published feels like its not an impossiblity anymore and one of my first steps to find the time to get back to Poet's Workshop, another of the boards at iVillage. I was pleased to go there last night and find that the woman who has been my mentor is back as CL after stepping down for a few months so that really made me happy! I posted the What is Poetry? poem there and it was well recieved which is a good start back. Pat the CL told me to make sure I tried the Sept form. One of the things that is so fun about PW is it really stretches you to write in different ways. There are hundreds of different "forms" that poetry can take, like a sonnet for one, or a haiku to name another well known one. But at PW they have fun with the more obsure forms too. The September form is known as Skeltonic Verse and named for the English Poet who came up with it. It is also known as "tumble verse". Its really rather fun and for me right up my alley since I like to right in the short line short verse format. So here is my first stab at it...

No Escape

Hate the cold
gets so old
moving was a bold
next step
with pep
follow the sun
so down I run
lets have more fun
in the south
Shut my mouth

Feeling better
though slightly wetter
we'll always be fettered
by weather
it seems
like a dream
I once had
just be glad
no longer sad
nor mad
for Mother Nature's won
this one.

~Caly D 2005~

A quick addition to the day..

First off I need to let all my faithful readers know that I got my results and they were Clear!! Yes!!! Of course it pisses me off that there was no reason that doctor should not have been able to complete that procedure other then the fact I have a slightly sharper angulation from one part of my colon to the next; but come on, this group of doctors bills themselves as the best in the country. HaH!
Best in the country my ass, and I mean that literally LOL
Anyway enough griping for today. I'm too happy to just know that I dont have to face any of this again in a hurry, that Im not going to dwell on that bad stuff any more.

Actually my main reason for this blog entry was to share my latest poem. Several women at the LL board have recently posted poems there, but said either that they weren't very good poems, or not even really poetry, and that got me to thinking. It also produced for me a poem which is rather pleasantly ironic, don't you think? So here is my answer to the them.

What is poetry?

"What is poetry?"
queried the pupil.

"Heart Whispers"
answered the sage.

An abundance of feelings
wrapped in an assortment of letters,
spelled out
upon the page.

Sometimes poetry
just floats in the air,
Softly exhaled
and gone
to memory.

But poetry endures
so long
as there is a beating heart.

~Caly D 2005~

Musical Interlude

Now for those of you who read K's blog also, the little surprise she had for me last night was a new CD of songs she had burned for us. We enjoy having music playing in the background when we make Love and we were definately overdue for a night of passion after having had her DDs all last week and then the deal with my colonoscopy (which does not put one in the mood LOL)
Anyway, we were both quite ready hehe..

K has wonderful taste in music and loves to search for new artists and new sounds for us to enjoy. Right now we are particularly fond of New Age type music, and I have always loved Celtic music. So this CD was sort of a mix of things like Enya and a group called Medieval Babes along with others.

Well we were in the midsts of enjoying each others bodies ~weg~ when all of a sudden we are joined in the room by Dr. Martin Luther King telling us "I have a dream..." Now I can make love with a dog in my bed, but trying to do so while listening to a civil rights speech is a bit harder LOL. It turns out that K had wanted to burn a track called "Spiritual High" which comes in 2 versions. One is purely instrumental and the other includes Dr King's speech. Guess which one we got? *grin

Both of us never laughed so hard in our lives. It was actually wonderful though. One thing that has always made our relationship special is that sex will never be the mechanical, same position, 8 second climax, roll over and go to sleep scenario. Every time is unique and different, and if it includes some fun and smiles or giggles then so much the better. It is this intimacy that defines our Love and will always be kept personal between us....

Let me share this though. ( Only I wish that blogs had sound) K has the most wonderfully endearing laugh I have ever heard. It is one of the many many things I love so about her. Nothing makes me smile more then to hear her laugh. Its soft and southern but not that pretensed twittering you hear in sterotypes. Its genuine and soulful and I think of what a nymph in a gladed wood might sound like; or reminds me of the babbling brook from Tennyson's poem that I love, ....."I chatter over stony ways, In little sharps and trebles, I bubble into eddying bays, I babble on the pebbles. ".. Its lyrical.

Its magic is all I can say. 8-) And the music and the laughter keeps my heart as happy as the day is long. I hope all of you find something to smile about today.
*hugs

24 Hours from Hell

Hey all. I promise not to be graphic but just a warning that this may be TMI for some. I just sooo need to vent about the day from HELL!

Well I had blogged correctly when I said I would not be able to tolerate the Prep they insisted on doing and had a night I didnt think could ever be topped by anything worse. I KNOW, though they wouldnt believe me, that I am not a person who can tolerate large quanities of liquid at one time. Sure enough the nausea started after only 20 oz of the 64 I was told to consume in 3 hours and once the gagging with every sip began I knew I was in trouble. I tried my best but it was not to be. Chills and shaking set in and before long ALL that I had managed to take down had come back up. As a side note, the box said that vomiting occured in only 5% of those taking this prep.. well guess Im special.... *sigh
I knew now though that I had to do something to clean myself out. I called a very arrogant on call doctor at the center who inferred I didnt try very hard, but agreed I could try the laxative I used on Sunday and managed to keep down. It wasnt easy but I did it. Unfortunately it was waaaay past 9PM now so this stuff didn't start to work till 2 Am. So so much for sleep last night. My fear this morning was I wasn't going to be 'clean' enough to have the test done but I guess I was. Little did I know that as awful as the prep was it was nothing compared to what I faced today. Let me give you a little timeline..
Have a 9 am check in and get there on time...
after giving my history yet again grrrrrrr I am taken back at 9:15 for a 9:30 procedure.
10:00 I am still in the room waiting.....
10:10 they finally take me back and at 10 :15 I get stuck not once but TWICE to start an IV, though they seemed surprised that my veins are hard to find, failing to take into account that I havent had any fluid in my body in almost 12 hours and threw up what little fluid I did have the day before. I loved the part where the first nurse tells me she cant seem to find a vein but will take a "stab' at it anyway. It felt like a forboding for me of what was to come and I was right once again.
10:25 take me back to do the colonoscopy.. I get hooked up to all sorts of monitiors and oxygen etc since they will put me out. Now I can barely move and Nurse says she is going to get doctor.
11:01 I am still waiting.......................................
Finally doctor comes in at 11:05 and puts me out.
I wake up at 11:45 to find out she did an incomplete colonscopy because she couldn't get around one part of my colon. She claims I must have adhesions from a surgery performed 40 years ago though they didnt stop me from having 2 previous complete colonoscopys.
12:00 Nurse says the doctor now wants me to have a lower GI series (which in case you didnt know is a Barium Enema Xray) and do it today since I was already cleaned out. That was the ONLY good thing she did.
1:00 over at radiology getting 1/2 gallon or more of fluid pumped into my colon from the opposite direction of my mouth. (actually easier for me after what I have been thru with the prep, just embarassing as hell.)
50 mins later I am still trying to hold all this fluid in my already distended colon (Full of air from the morning) and changing positions ever 30 seconds, but was actually complemented on how well I do. This doctor and Xray Tech are the nicest people outside of K, that I have met in Tenn. Good thing because its getting painful. She also says that she doesnt see any narrowing of the colon that would have kept the other doctor from finishing but *sigh at least I'm glad she backed off if she couldnt do it and not perforate me. Shortly after that I have the embarrasment of my life by not being able to 'hold on' till I get to the restroom. Spent 10 mins getting cleaned up.
2:15 finally done though I am now told they wont have results till the next day. All I can think is that IF she now finds polyps on the xray, they will have to go BACK IN and remove them! I want to cry but have no fluid to produce tears.

I just can't believe that a medical center that is supposedly one of the best in the country for GI issues can be so much like a stockyard. Never once did what I think get taken into account even though I had been thru this 2x before and I knew my body. I was handed from one tech to another, never seeing the same person twice and I'm sorry but laying on a gurney with your ass exposed while there are 2 other people have the same thing done on either side of you, (which you can hear) even if there is a flimsy curtain is not my idea of compassion. Oh and I can't wait to get the bill for a Doctor that I actually spoke all of a dozen words too, and who spent less then 5 mins either before or after the procedure talking to me.

But I have to end this with a bright note. My darling K was my angel and my sweet protector thru all of this. Only true love holds the can when you are sick and sitting on the toilet, and the next day doesnt seem to notice the barium all over your shoes when you come out of xray. She even did the one thing I needed most before my procedure. She kissed me in public and that meant more then Anything to me. She is my partner and my soulmate and I will cherish her till the day I die and beyond. 8-)

Blogging Blather I suppose..

I am sitting here waiting for the latest round of colon prep stuff to kick in, knowing whats to come in a few hours, and desperately needing to take my mind off it. K will be home then to help me thru, and for that I love her dearly. For now though I just sit and miss her. A few years ago I could get lost in internet surfing, but now nothing is quite the same when I am alone.

However, as I read others blogs today and thought about how blogs seem to have taken center stage lately in my cyber circle of friends. How blogs can take on a life of their own when they are just words. I began to wonder, "who do we blog for?" or specifically who do I blog for?

I'm ignorant on the origins of blogs, though I assume they started as a sort of electronic diary for people; only one that never had a lock or a key. But If that was the case then we would blog strictly for ourselves and the reader be damned. LOL I'm sure there are many out there for whom this is the case, though I can bet that for everyone at some level, they KNOW that others will be reading it and therefore either censor or embellish their thoughts; though in the end this seems sad that the blog can not serve its true purpose.

I on the other hand was never the diary type. Things I want to remember most in life are safely stored in my memory, with no need to expose them to air. I have found though, that there are other thoughts that I do want to save for the ages so to speak, not so much for their content (which I wont forget) but rather for their prose and the words themselves. Frustrated writer that I am perhaps; I love to string together thoughts with just the right words, ones that roll of the tongue or better yet leave the reader with a picture in his or her mind. Like painting with letters. I do it with my poetry and this is another form. NOT that I want to write some novel or even a story. There is no urge to capture that much time in a bottle. No, more like a photographer of words. A snapshot of a moment in time.
But to that end, do I indeed write for myself after all then? I want the reader to enjoy their time spend here, but would never write something that didnt come from the heart, and to which I would not feel good about. But if there were no readers (not even one's self) would a blog cease to exist?

Ahhhh so little food in the belly leads to way too much philosophy in the brain I fear. Hence the starving artist connotation, or for today, pun. Hehe

That is one thing I will forwardly admit. When ever I write it is my goal to leave you with a smile. Otherwise for me, "why blog?" 8-)

Girls Girls Girls.........

Now I am a Lesbian and I love women. I am comfortable around women and wouldn't want it any other way. However........... I am also a Butch. And while I adore my Femme partner and cherish her daughters last night got a wee bit scarey for this tomboi who raised a son and spent 5 years as a cub scout leader surrounded by teeming testosterone. LOL

The original idea didnt sound so bad. K's oldest DD wanted to have a sleepover for her birthday party. It was only going to be 4 girls. Having withstood the challenge of cub scout den meetings with 9 boys and a week or 2 at Camp Sunrise with over a 100 I figured piece of cake. Well let me tell you the Cake was the easy part. 8-)

It started off with all of us climbing into K's van to head to Wasabi for dinner (Japanese Steakhouse by the way) I was immediately thrown into the world of sing song cheers (that didnt contain bodily functions) and this gaggle of giggling girls talking non stop about the latest fashion. It was a bit eerie to realize that I didnt understand a word they were saying.......
The meal itself was a bit better as we were seated with 2 other older couples and one of the gentlemen ( a man after my own heart hehe) began teasing the girls and telling them that the japanese soup would make their feet smell. LOL I had visions of how my son would have reacted. The girls did get a bit silly and explain how one young lady at school (not at the party thank goodness) did indeed have the stinkiest feet they knew, but that was the extent of the bawdy conversation for the evening.
Back home we first had cake and presents. I did feel really good to hear one child say "I dont like cake, but this is good" ( I had baked the cake) It was heartwarming then to hear the birthday girl say "Caly is special tonight, she baked the perfect cake" As someone trying so hard to find a place in my new family that made my night. But I digress.
From this point on the evening became a feminine blur... One of the gifts received was a large child's cosmetics kit that more items in it then a tackle box, and most I couldnt name. Once it was opened I quickly found a safe perch up off the floor away from the cloud of glitter and watched this group of grade school grecian goddesses do their thing. My partner K just kept looking over at me and smiling as she helped her youngest daughter join in the (dare I say) Fun. They did appear to be having a great time, though this tomboi could only imagine how and made sure that my shoes (sensible wallabee boots mind you) stayed on my feet, as K keep threatening to paint my toes. *grin
All in all it was an experience unique to this pocket knife totting, baseball cap wearing Butch, who could only marvel at the scene and fondly recall similar evenings, only perched on a dirty log around a campfire, eating marshmallows off an unwashed stick and discussing the best pokemon battle tatics.
Sunday Football is looking mighty good this week! ROFL

Why Worry?

Ok, see if you can follow this convoluted scramble of logic and see perhaps why this week has been hard for me....

I have 2 major medical problems in my Life. I have bad gums and I have colon issues. Both have come into play the last month. Before moving to TN I saw the same dentist for 35 years and we managed to control my gingivitis without a problem even though we can never cure it because I breath thru my mouth when I sleep. Anyway, because of my divorce and move and no job or insurance for so long, I knew my teeth would be bad when I finally got to see a dentist again after a year. However I had NOT planned on this.
The first guy a saw was a quack! He had No chairside manor and refused to talk to me about my teeth, rather he just sent me to his receptionist to schedule more appts. He got his pick stuck in my teeth and I knew did not clean them properly. After 35 yrs you know how it needs to be done. So being upset over that, K suggests I go see her Dentist even though they are way out west and rather expensive. I thought the cost would be worth it. However they took the opposite approach and are now basically wanting to redo my mouth and are scaring me into thousands of dollars worth of work I cant afford to try and keep my teeth. The bad thing is that I have spent $400 already for a cleaning of only half my mouth with lots of novicane and pain, and the strong suggestion that I use this sonic toothbrush that is leaving me with a dull pain in my mouth constantly and I cant take anything for the pain because of next weeks colonoscopy. But maybe the medical profession is better down here...
Ok on to the other end.... Colon cancer runs in my family. My grandfather died of it, My mother had a tumor removed at age 60. My father and his sister both had bowel resections for diverticuliosis. To top it off, I had major bowel surgery at age 4 to remove colon polyps. In 1992 I had a colonoscopy as a baseline and they found only internal hemerroids but in 2002 they found 2 precancerous polyps and said I needed to go every 3 years now for a follow up. That is bad enough right?
Bring in the fact that after the last colonoscopy I ended up in the hospital for 2 days with bleeding which turned out to be scabs from the polyps being removed. Now fast forward to now... I have moved so need to find new doctors. I find a nice general doctor thank goodness who sets me up for the procedure. I have a prep meeting I think with the doctor this week. I prepared to discuss my history with her and get some reassurance about all of this... wrong!
Instead I end up at some clinic that is more like a scene from a sci fi movie then a doctors office. First I see the info desk then they send me to a colon prep receptionist who make me fill out another history even though I have the one in my hand that they sent me to fill out. Then I think I get to see the doctor but No, I see an 'expert' nurse who doesnt care that I have done this before and know my system and Know that the prep they want me to use is to harsh. "Ms Compassionate" has seen plenty of colons in the last 25 years and she knows it all. I finally convince her to at least let me do the prep that I did 10 years ago which I know will only cause me severe chills and nausea but hopefully not the cramps and bleeding I fear from the other method. Now I figure I can talk to the doctor, but No I get the insurance rep who tells me I will have to pay all that the insurance doesnt.. and trust me.. the Salvation Army may insure that your soul is covered but doesnt do much for the rest of you. I only can imagine what this will cost me. No worries right? Might as well clean out the savings acct alone with my bowels. Then the final blow to all of this is I am told that they dont use the 'twilight' drug I am use to for this. They are going to put me out with some 'new class' of sedative. We all trust the track record of new drugs right? So now who knows if I will ever wake up after this procedure. I refused anything but an epidural for my 2 D&Cs because I didnt want to be put to sleep. Now I have no choice.
Of course it might be easier if I new K could comfort me for all of this. But she is not "out' and this is TN which means that day, she cant even hold my hand or give me a kiss before they take me off for what could be............
Finally I will have to get the results which given my family history could be bad news.

But no need to worry right?.............................

Never underestimate the Power of Love

My sweet sweet Lady cheered my heart today when I needed it most. No matter how many times you hear "I Love You", sometimes when it comes in a card or note at an unexpected time, its power is tenfold. 8-)

I was down today because I found out "our" time next week will be cut short because we will have K's 2 young daughters 2 days that normally would be time they are with Dad. Now having the girls is not what got me down. I love them to pieces and I would never keep my Baby from her babies, I know how being away from your children feels....
No what has me so frustrated is the fact that we when her X says 'jump" we have to say "How high?" because on a whim he has to power to ruin our lives by taking the girls away from us. All because we live in Tennessee. Its just so hard sometimes because the one thing I promised myself when I pulled myself out of my depression back in 2003 that NO ONE would ever control my life again the way I had let My X and my mother control it. Now I find myself in a situation totally beyond my control. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh. It just makes me so sad sometimes. I just dont want anyone to think its that I dont want the girls around. I just want to be able to be a "real" Family and live and love my K like any other person in this world..
That and the fact that because we have the girls this week and that Monday and Tuesday next week will be hard days because of my colonoscopy. I sort of had my heart set on a small intimate 'celebration' Tues night, IF my test results were good. Im soo scared they wont be though.. but no time for that fear today...

K's card today however sent my heart soaring just to read the words so sweetly written. All I have ever wanted in my Life is to be needed and K Needs me and that is enough..... 8-)