The Dance of Everquest

I am in the midst of reading a book called the Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd and I am slowly realizing how I am in the midst of my own dance and how in so many ways I have now found the divine feminine as she calls it.
For me it all started with Everquest. A online fantasy role playing game, that allows you to group up with others online in real time and live out medival fantasy as you battle dragons, minotaurs and a thousand other creatures; in the role of dwarf or gnome; wizard or shadowknight to name a few. I was in the deep of my depression when I found this outlet back in 2001.

I started out choosing a character that was a druid and named her Caleef. It was actually how my nickname Caly came to be, as thats what friends in the game shortened it too and I loved it. The main function of my character early in the game is to be a healer and 'transporter' for people; taking them from place to place in the game to complete different quests. I thought it would be an awesome role for me since I was helping people and being needed which was so important to me at the time. After awhile though I realized I was being 'used' more then needed. In certain ways it was a subserviant role or at least could be exploited as such and I allowed that, even though it depressed me more. I was hooked though and the game had drawn me in and Little by little I began to explore, both in the game and in my life. To experiment and push boundaries on what had been my exisitence. I was CALY now, not Carolyn and that made all the difference. I had unnamed myself as Sue Monk Kidd would say.

I created a few new characters, among them a gnome wizard, I called Meewiz. *smile.. Wizard are a semi powerful character in the game, being able to inflict great damage on creatures with strong spells. However they are also very vunerable to attack and are weak defensively. Also by choosing a gnome who is the smallest character in the game, I added to my troubles. However Meewiz also let me be someone I wasnt in many ways. I was a damage dealer now. I could often solo in game and not fear so much. Socially I had begun to reach out, and being able to play 'in character' let me push boundaries I would never have in real life. My character in game married another gnome who was played by a man Not my husband in real life. We were only friends online, and it was never more then that, but it was a big step for me. In real life I was stepping out from under my husband's shadow (he was a very controlling man much like my mother) . I was starting to have 'fun' with life again.

Then came the turning point. Jeff and I were battling about a lot of things and I was at my lowest point in my life depression wise. It was 2003. One night in frustration I went online and created a new character. Named her Mamabear (why I dont know but probably because I was feeling like wife and mother was all I was) She was a warrior of all things and a Barbarian to boot. The second largest character in the game and one with the most hitpoints for her class. Meaning she was very hard to kill. She didnt have special skills or powers though, her weapon was the sword or staff. I went out by myself for the first 10 levels and just killed things. Literally beat them up. It was amazingly cathartic. Along the way I made a friend. Her name was Exxie in game and Betsy in real life. She was to become my best friend in game and out and saved my life, (literally talking me out of suicide one night). We became an in game team. She was a druid, a healer and transporter and could take us places where we could complete quests and gain experience. It became an amazing transformation for me. As Mamabear grew in strength and experience in game, I grew in real life. I was in therapy now and somehow it all just came together. I realized I was a good person and a strong person just like my character and I dug deep to find my own inner strength. Amazingly in game I became well known as a good warrior who could successfully pull monsters to the group without getting them killed. I was asked to be the Lead on many raids we went on to kill the larger dragons in the game. Being the guardian of 15 or 20 people many of them macho males in real life. I was respected.
It spilled over to my real life. I became Mamabear, strong confident and able to take care of myself. I outed myself as a Lesbian in game and in real life. There was incredible acceptance both places. Together Betsy and I took our characters to the highest level there was in game and completed our "Epics". I earned a glowing sword that was the mark of a true "gamer" in the RPG world. I achieved something I was never able to do up until then in real life. Complete a task I set out to do.
Shortly after that is when I met K online and my whole life changed. Betsy and I moved on from Everquest to EQ2 but it was more for fun now. Just a chance to hang out online together since we lived 1200 miles apart. She is still my real life best friend even today. We dont play much anymore but it doesnt matter. I will always be Mamabear in my heart and a warrior now in real life. I am woman, I am strong and I have found my power...
Sue Monk Kidd isnt the only one to have 'danced'.