Bits and Pieces
Wow has it really been that long since I have been here? I knew that the holidays would fly by, but it seems incredible to be that its been 2 months since I had time to sit and write. I had made a resolution to start back blogging for New Year but its still been 3 weeks since then LOL.. Oh well here I am.
I think part of the reason I had put this off, is what I need to blog about is so hard to write. It has really been bothering me, that I am not as good a person as I hoped I could be. Oh I know I am a good person, this is not about self esteem, its about being human I guess, but still finding it hard to let down a person who means so much to you.
Of course at this point you are all saying "would she just spit it out already!". But thats the problem, its hard to admit that I am having a hard time adjusting to having K's kids around sometimes. I get so mad at myself about it. I mean it should be easy! I love kids, I worked in schools for 8 years! I am good with kids! I was a scout leader for 5 years and recieved all sorts of awards. It doesnt make sense and that is why it hurts me to even admit it, let alone write about it.
Part of it is my age I know, I did all this once already, so its hard to go back, but it shouldnt be! I love K with all my heart and I will do anything for her. That is why this is hurting so much. I dont want to let her down. I am trying soo hard too, but it doesnt seem to show and that is frustrating. Its of course not helped by the fact that the kids hate me, (I know K says otherwise, but actions speak louder then words.), but I can't blame them. Their lives have been turned upside down and I am at the center of that. I am also the one trying change the rules the lived by for so long. But if I dont bring some order into my life I am going to lose it... It just so hard to talk about and that is the biggest problem, K and I should be able to talk about anything.....
On a different note..... do any of you laugh when you make love? LOL It has been the funniest thing but sometimes when K and I are intimate, I reach this incredible level of pleasure that I lose my breath and then get so happy I start to giggle. Well this makes K start and I just sooo adore her laugh that it gets me going and next thing we know we are laughing hysterically. I mean neither of us minds so its not a problem, its just bizarre.. isnt it? Though I do know that all emotions are so tightly connected that is probably not as far fetched as it sounds. Just rather amusing...
Anyway, I have a million things on my mind and could blog all day I think.. Work sucks right now since my part timer is quitting on me. I had to cut back hours because of a budget problems and the 2 full time cooks are so hard to deal with. It just throws back in my face what a lousy manager I am. Just has not helped my mood lately so everything has been so much more difficult. Then just when I feel I have things under control, K's XH messes with our lives yet again and I just want to scream!
Physically K and I can escape for a day or 2 but how do I get this all out of my head? That is what is driving me crazy.... I think I need to listen to my Music more, that seems to to help the most..
Enough of this for now.................
posted by Ting's Tang @ 1/21/2006
4 Comments:
I'm just glad your back posting moonbeam. :) BTW, that nickname simply popped into my head. It is a friendly, playful gesture. LOL Might get me in trouble...hope not! LOL
No advice...sorry. But, I find that sometimes it is best to just do as you did, type about it. Bouncing it off cyberspace helps, I think.
Hugs!
Hehe I LOVE the nickname! Thanks
and Im glad someone out there is reading this. Means alot
*Hugs
((((Caly))))
Blended families always seem to include these types of issues. It IS hard! But I wonder if a different POV might help...
Perhaps the instances of 'hate' could be redefined as children pushing their boundaries and testing tolerance levels. Children are also experimenting with the amount of control THEY can hold over the dynamics of your relationship. These things occur in 'original' families as well, only they're read or felt differently by the adults? Is it just that our relationships feel more at risk?
I know I'm coming from the other side of the coin here, in that I'm the one with the kids and Lynnie-Lou the one trying to cope when we're all together. My perspective might be totally out of whack. Still, I hope my words offer food for thought and at the very least, some measure of comfort.
Gnarly kids are a pain for ALL adults involved ;)
*many hugs* ~ Nony/ Kim
As I read your post this lyric from the Rolling Stones came to mind:
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need
Eighteen months ago you said you would settle for just being with a woman... just the physical. But you got better, you got a woman who was genuinely interested in you, and not just for the physical. And that was supposed to be good enough. But it got better still, for you made plans to move to her city, to at least cut the distance that kept you apart. And that was supposed to be good enough. But it still got better: she left her husband. And that was supposed to be good enough. And even then it still got better: you got to live with her within a year's time, instead of having to wait until her girls were in their teens.
You have gained so much in the last 18 months. Yet you are still unhappy.
Don't push K into feeling like she must choose between giving her children the all the love and attention they need (they have lost SO much, there has been little stability, and they are so young) and giving you the love and attention you need.
Things are never going to be perfect.
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