Yes I am Alive..

Very Much Alive.. In some ways, more Alive then I have been in 45 years.

I have soo wanted to blog so many times in the last 3 weeks and just wasnt able to find the time to do it. Life has just been crazy, though mostly a wonderful crazy.. hehe... Most of it I know comes from trying to live in 2 different places, so hopefully, once K and I get our apartment together, life will finally be more sane.
The good news is, I think we really are going to have a place by December! We found a complex that is in the right school district, is affordable and hopefully big enough. The woman was pretty positive about have a 3 bedroom for us by Dec so I am trying to relax. The only thing that really has me on edge anymore is the fact that K's DDs don't yet know about our relationship. I know it shouldnt be a big deal because they are so young, but it feels wrong to me to be living a lie in front of 2 people so central to our lives. Besides once they know and are OK with it, it gives K's XH even Less ammunition to make our lives miserable and we can slowly introduce that final step in making our relationship complete and being able to sleep in the same bed, like a real couple. I know its going to eat at me to act out this little game every night and stroll off to a different room, like I am some houseguest....but... I will do what I have to do for my Baby......

On a different note, I do feel totally awesome about finding my 'niche' in this world. By that I mean, I finally feel like I know who Caly "is". I denied soo much about myself to myself for so long, that at times I didnt knew what was real and what was something I was doing to fit in. That uncertainess is gone now, replaced by a much stronger pagan lesbian poet . 8-) Exploring my true beliefs that Nature is the Goddess and honoring those spirits feels right. I dont think though that it is is necessary to "worship" anything or anyone, rather to live your life acknowledging the spirits and letting them guide you at times. To live in harmony with the Goddess is to give her her due; and that I think is all she asks. There is this awesome book on my wish list called

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Paganism
Carl McColman
I hate the title but it is a really cool book.

On my final note for this entry, I also have I think found my musical niche. Of course I like most kinds of music by some artists or for certain times and places, but as a whole I think New Age Music as it is called suits me best. I am amazed that no matter how I may be feeling, if I put on one my new CDs it just goes right to my soul. I feel relaxed, calm, and "right" for lack of a better word. I know that sounds weird but Im not sure how else to describe it. My favorite of favorites is Deep Within the Fairy Forest by Gary Stadler and vocals by Wendy Rule. She is awesome and I wish I could find more things by her.

Well thats been some of my thoughts these last few weeks in a nutshell. As the Aussies say, I feel like I have been on a "walkabout" and met myself on the trip.
I just hope that my Sweet Lady can live with the real me. I love her more then anything and being "me" means nothing if I don't have her by my side. She has been my strength to take this journey, and in soo many ways, the reason for my very being......