Moon Shadows

Taoist Thought

2009-10-15T13:03:00.003Z

Tao is O

Tao is O

Beyond words,
Not a thing;

a being.

The ultimate
wu-wei. (non-action)

O is one
with the Universe

and your Partner.

Tao is O

by CalyD 2009

First Pantheist Poem

2009-02-13T15:56:00.002Z

This came to me this morning and I think is the heart of who I am as a Pantheist. Not everyone can expound scientifically on Nature and the Universe. For me its more about painting a picture with words..

GAIA's Grace

Water carves stone
like the artist she is.

Wind signs her name
to the mountains, and tree
growing sideways.

Hawk, stars,
and sapling,
whose roots move the sidewalk
to find earth to call home.

Who can not know
this is God.

~CalyD (2009)

Coming of Age

2009-01-08T14:49:00.003Z

I am a Pantheist.
Not that titles really matter but it does help me understand myself when I can put things in boxes sometimes 8-).

For the past year I have been reaching into myself trying to put a handle on my Paganism and today I finally found the word that encompasses it. I believe that the Universe IS God and that the Goddess is in everything. Its why I don't feel the need to worship a certain entity or go to church or perform any rituals in order to feel close to the Goddess. She is with me all the time especially when I go outside and be with Nature. I am a true tree hugger. There is a spirit in a tree just as there is one in you and me and ALL things are sacred.

Its hard to explain but I feel now like a new window has opened for me and I can be more spiritual in my life. It will also be easier now to explain to people when they ask about my Paganism.

Its silly and amazing at the same time that one word can change so many things. I have come of age.
8-)

Totem Animals

2007-08-16T22:40:00.000Z

My spiritual quest as drawn me down the Native American trail and I am feeling very much at home *grin. One of the things I feel a connection to is my Totem Animals. I didn't realize until I began studing more about them, that I actually have 9 Animal Guides. I have known for many years that Red Tailed Hawk was my right-hand and Main totem animal but I now realize that Giraffe is on my left-hand side and guides my feminine energy. Now I understand why I am so drawn to them.

Anyway I asked the spirits for guidance and they revealed to me my other 7 Totem Animals. They are:
Badger to the East
Spider to the South
Raven to the West
Armadillo to the North
Dog - Above
Wild Boar - Below
and Coyote - Within.

I was pretty surprised with some of these results, but it is about what they have to Teach Me, not whether I like them or think about them much. In time though I feel I will draw closer to them in some ways, if I leave myself open to what they have to show me.

Spider is one of the interesting ones because I am somewhat afraid of Spiders. However the South protects the Child within and helps to balance out your personality. Spider's strength as a totem is creativity and she represents infinite possiblities with her body shaped like an eight and her legs representing the 4 directions and the 4 parts of the wheel of time.

So in honor of this guide of mine, today I wrote a poem. I call it

ArachnoLove ( a play on acrachnophobia hehe)

Spider came to me
on a tangled web of words.

Now my head is full
of sticky threads.

8 pen strokes later,
I am no closer,

But my heart sings
with freedom.

~Caly D 2007

And so I create with Spider's help. 8-) I truly feel that if I walk this Path sincerely, I will find the balance in my life that I seek. In the weeks and months to come I hope to explore each of my Animal Totems fully and will certainly write about what I find.

For those that read this blog, Enjoy

In honor of Beltane

2007-05-01T23:59:00.000Z

I did a few exercises at the Poet's Workshop board today and since today is May 1st, I felt it only fitting to write in honor of the Goddess.

Summer sure took hold today,
this cardinal day of May.
Beltane fires roar
and winter Gods
retreat once more,
to wait out
the Wheel of Time.

Caly D 2007

And this second one which is really rough but is a form poem called Acrostic.

Bring forth the spark,
Enrobe the pyre, for
Lust will set us free.
Tomorrow's wind blows warm
Again. A
Never ending cycle, an
Everlasting dream.

Caly D 2007

Poem, Prayer, Spell..

2007-04-06T14:20:00.000Z

This has been rattling in my head for weeks and I have to get it out.

Spirit Call

The Horned God
leads the world of men,
now and forever
to begin again.

Gaia
makes women dance,
to weave and spin
and take a chance.

Children
run to Brid's embrace,
as if growing up
was such a race.

Gods and Goddesses
protect us All,
hear our simple
soulful call.

--CalyD 2007--

Pagan Power Name

2007-01-07T19:00:00.000Z

Caly Silvermoon

That is the pagan name I have taken. Not that you will probably see me refer to myself that way very often. I may use it to sign a few things in the future but mostly it is a power name for me. A way to think of myself as a continue my journey down the pagan path.

There was a time in history when Pagans took a name to help hide their identity.,when persecution for your religion was rampant. This way if someone was caught, they wouldn't know your real name and would not be able to help the authorities find you. Now of course that is not the case. People take pagan names for various reasons. For me its not unlike when Catholics take a 'confirmation name', its a way to signify your entrance into the tradition.

Why this name? Well Caly is of course the name I use all the time now. When I first started calling myself that, I said "Carolyn is who my Mother wanted me to be, but Caly is who I am". It represents the real me in my heart. I feel incredible power when I think of myself as Caly, (not just in a pagan way but also as a lesbian), and it was a step toward more self esteem as a person that means a good deal to me. A way to distance myself from my past and live the life I was meant to live. So even when I use it with out the Silvermoon surname, I think of it as part of my pagan connection and a way to express my pagan tradition on a daily basis; as well as revealing 'the real me'. It was also very cool afterwards to have a fellow pagan point out the connection that gave me to Kali, the Hindu goddess. She is a triple goddess (part of the maiden, mother, crone philosophy) and very powerful. I like the fact that I honor her name. Also from a numerological standpoint, Caly Silvermoon has the same number (3) as my birth name so that makes it a good choice.

Silvermoon is the part I added recently. I just felt I needed to 'complete' myself in that way. I always new my name would have Moon in it. I have felt a connection to the moon all my life in ways I can't explain. Its just a very powerful talisman for me. The silver part came to me after much deliberation, but just seems right now. Silver is the color associated with the goddess Artemis, whom I wish to honor; and also silver on the color wheel for those of the Wiccan tradition signifies the goddess, the removal of negative energy, and developing female powers. It also relates to dreams, stability and victory. All good things in mind.

So Caly Silvermoon it is. I may not be opening a bank account in that name anytime soon LOL, or even say it out loud very often, but in my mind and my heart it will be the name that gives me strength when I need it.

Blessed Be.

"Night Whispers"

2006-09-24T14:51:00.000Z

Hear the silence
as it beckons you.
Soft white wings,
like raindrops
call.
What lies beyond the dream?

A shimmering light
pierces the night,
but only to the
unseen eye.
Music plays,
the water flute,
dark and light
are one.

We are here.
We dance.
Like a dream
fullfilled.
Join us,
and know
the truth.

**Caly D 2006**

Can't judge a Book...

2006-09-03T13:01:00.000Z

We all know you can't judge a book by its cover. I just finished reading a book I had really looked forward too because of its title and synopsis. It was called A Seahorse Year and it really wasn't very good at all. My blog isn't about that though, its about another kind of book you can't judge, People.

When I first met Glenn a year ago, he made me nervous. If I had met him at night on the street, I would have been down right scared. He looked like a poster child for the homeless. Long thin hair, unkempt beard, dirty baseball cap and leathery skin.
This man was working in my kitchen though.

He started as a volunteer and was a friend of my then cooks, Larry and Doris. He came everyday and helped for hours doing anything they asked. He was quiet, and pretty much came and went like the wind. I don't think we exchanged 6 words a week. I watched and saw that for all his outward appearance, he washed his hands religiously when he handled food and seemed to know what he was doing. It worked for me...

Then this Spring, Doris became ill, and she and Larry decided to retire (they were husband and wife). So I found myself needing 2 new cooks. One of the men they recommended was Glenn. I was skeptical at first, but its hard to find people to take a job that only pays $6.50 an hour these days (I have no control over salary) so I was willing to give him a shot.

This book turned out to be a bestseller.

Glenn has turned out to be the best employee or co-worker that I have ever had the pleasure to work with in 25 years. He is dependable, honest, hard working and fun. He has the driest but sweetest sense of humor around. We have a wonderful working relationship and friendship.
Now Glenn is dying.

Hopefully not soon, but he has cancer. He was diagnosed a few months ago with throat cancer. At the time they gave him a 60/40 chance he told me. Unfortunately things stink in this country and health care for him has been an issue. Before he worked for me, he qualified for indigent health care and all was paid for. Now because he works full time he no longer is entitled to that, but while he could afford to purchase our health plan at work, its only 80/20 coverage, and there is no way he can afford 20% of these potential medical bills on $6.50 an hour. So now in order to get any treatment, he must quit his job and go to a VA hospital. Life Sucks.

I also am very afraid that he has waited to long. Being a man of course, he didnt seem concerned at first, and was then told he needed to have his teeth pulled before they would do radiation, because they would fall out anyway. That took a month to have done. Then he just sort of let it slide. I think he was in denial about it all. Now though he is starting to feel bad and that is what worries me. He talks about it being the end, and I am sad. I am sure he wont get the kind of aggressive treatment that someone with unlimited income can afford. This is his last week working.

I am going to miss him.

The other day, we filled out his exit interview paperwork. I had written that he was the best person I ever had the pleasure to work with and I meant it. He told me, I was the best boss he ever had, because I was so easy to train. LOL Thats what I mean about his sense of humor. It made me tear up though because a year ago I had misjudged him so.

Some books with dusty covers are classics and I don't want this book to end..
8-/

More Spiritual Stuff

2006-08-20T23:23:00.000Z

I just finished answering a question at one of the message boards at iVillage and decided I wanted to share my thoughts with the world. (Well at least with the few people who decide to read my blog LOL)

The question asked was about free will vs. destiny and how we feel about that. This was my reply-

For me, I believe Life is a journey, not a destination and that we have a choice in everything we do. THAT is our free will. Those choices are not given to us BY anyone, they are a product of the world around us. We both act and react and both are choices. I do believe that there is a thing called Kismet or Fate, which is a force that sometimes comes into play in our lives. Its not a God or goddess that we can pray to and he or she will change the outcome for us. Its more of a collective energy generated by all the spirits in nature and in people. Being in the right place at the right time is a group thing, everyone making a certain choice at a certain time. I often don't worry about somethings as much because I know, "If it is meant to be it will be". So while we can make our own choices, we can't control the choices of others, therefore can't control the outcome and I don't believe a higher power does either. We are not chess pieces. We are all of us, the ying and the yang of each other. The balance is the outcome and our destiny.

Now the choice is yours to reply or not. Will it effect the outcome of either of our lives? Who is to say? Its all about the journey any way. Isn't it?

Home grown Goddess

2006-08-13T12:45:00.000Z

I was going to blog about my boss at work and how miserable I am because of her, but decided she wasn't worth the effort.

So instead I will share about my Goddess. Back in July I read a book called "Dance of the Dissident Daughter". It was about a woman's journey toward feminism and to find her inner self. It was really interesting how she brought to light how patriarchal the church is in most religions and how much earlier beliefs were grounded in the idea of women being more revered in society. This is at the heart of my beliefs too. Or at least part of them. I don't think we need to 'worship' either male or female but a balance of both. However I do recognize that long before the bible, there was a strong matriarchal influence in our culture and I don't think it should be forgotten or pushed aside. Rather then subscribe to the idea of a omniscient, venegful God, who punishes at whim, I feel more in tune with a nuturing Goddess who asks only that we live in balance with all things; for if the balance is broken then nature's force is revealed.

Anyway, in the book, the author creates an altar to the Goddess in her home as a reminder of her strengths as a woman, and I thought that was neat. Not that I need or want an altar in my house. As I have said before, I don't 'worship' anything, I Live my beliefs in my daily life. However a reminder of what I believe is pretty cool to wake up to. I have a copy of the Desiderata on my wall, which is my mantra, (you can read it at my website if you don't know it), and I thought perhaps a goddess statue to go with some of my other Pagan symbols would be fun to have.

At first I was going to buy one, but couldn't find exactly what I wanted. During the course of the book, there are many forms of the goddess discussed within different cultures and for different reasons. What I really wanted was a compliation of all I saw in "my Goddess" in my soul. So I decided to make one. What better way to express one's beliefs after all? Hehe. Now mind you, I do not consider myself an artist in anyway, but since this was only representative of an idea and a focal point, I figured it didn't matter. It really is only for ME anyway.

What I came up with is this. Funny looking I know LOL.. sort of looks like a monkey at first glance, but hey! I believe in evolution among other things so perhaps that was just coming out in my mind. LOL
But it does have all the symbolism I envisioned, and I am proud of it. I Don't bow down before it and say prayers, nor do I think it protects me from harm. It does however remind me of my strength as a woman, and that life is a journey, and that nature plays a very important role in our world and in our lives, and we should respect that. ( That's a bamboo plant next to her by the way.)

Well I must say that sharing this has been much more cathartic then venting about my boss, so perhaps my Goddess did play a role in my life today. *Smile.... As she does every day!

Random Thoughts

2006-08-08T17:17:00.000Z

Well for once I wish I didn't have time to blog.. *sigh because the reason I have time is I am home and off work today because of a bad tooth. It appears one of my molars has an abcess. It was fine last week before my cleaning, but just my luck that somewhere along the line the filling must have cracked and it got infected. There is No way I can afford a root canal, and even if I could, I am NOT going thru that again. I did that once and it was awful. Besides this is a back tooth and doesn't show, so I am just going to have it pulled on Monday. I told the dentist I lived for 32 years with one missing on the left side (that one abcessed when I was 14) so I would manage without this one. I am just mostly bummed about what this is doing to my finances. My dental insurance sucks as do most of them and I already know I need fillings done in a few weeks so my idea of saving for next years trip to NY is shot. The only good thing is in finding this new dentist, he agreed to fill my teeth rather then do the crowns the first guy wanted. That saves me a bit any way. Have I told you I hate Dentists? I even invested in AFLAC at work to try and help myself out, since I know I have bad teeth and this is just the beginning of what I will need done in the next 20 years, but that is turning out to be a pain too. You can't just submit claims, the dentist has to do it and there is a waiting period depending on the procedure. I tell you, they get you coming and going...

Let's see what else I can talk about. I have great plans for posting all sorts of things in my blog and then the moment passes and I end up with another "I wish I had"...

I do know that I wanted to add a picture .
This one is pretty special to me. It is the latest one of my Son and I- taken when he was down this summer. I know he is still pretty immature, and I have given up alot on him, to move down here and leave him with his Dad. I know it was a trade off, because there are things he needs from his father now that I could never give, and I babied him way too much when I was around, but I still struggle to still be the best mom I can be to a teenager long distance and I wish I could do more. Yet I do think he is a pretty damn good kid deep down and I pray that the fates will be good to him.

Do you know what my mother said when she saw this photo?
"You look old!" Then she said, " I guess I never have anything good to say do I? What I mean is, its the first photo I have seen where you look your age." LOL First of all, how the heck am I suppose to look being 46 and having a 15 year old son? Personally I feel I look pretty damn good! Hehehe Secondly, my mother never does have anything good to say. ROFL The fact that she admitted it though is a big step for her. We have come a long way in the last 2 years as far as our relationship goes. Our trip to visit them next April should be interesting, though I honestly finally think it will go Okay.

Think I am going to leave it at that for now.

Quick Update

2006-07-27T23:06:00.000Z

I REALLY have wanted to do this for awhile but have just had No time.. I am not going into details LOL its boring. Lets just say that home life has been awesome, wonderful and everything I could want, and work has been a bitch. Enough said.

I was tagged awhile back about my blogging habits and I am not going to copy and paste the whole thing, but I will answer the questions in general.

I started blogging mostly because my partner K did and I figured I would give it a shot. It has been nice to have a place to express myself besides the LL board and where I can write as much for myself (diary style) as for the world, (tell all style).
Is there anything I wont write about in my blog? Yes definately. I may refer to my sex life here but I will never disclose its intimacies. I think those are private between K and I and want to keep it that way. I also wont ever write about our personal lives except in a general context. I love her too much to ever do that. Besides as much as this is my blog, it is not a diary, it is open to the world and I remember that always when I write.
On the other hand, when I do express myself here, its the real me. I usually write the way I talk, no pretense here to be anything other then who I am. You probably get bad grammar and all! Even though I am sure K cringes when she reads it. I am not sure how I would describe my writing style. I often think of myself as talking to you when I type, so I guess its sort of conversational?
I dont use my blog to build friendships. That I do thru the ivillage message boards. This is strictly to share tibits of my life and people can take from it what they may.

Well I wanted to write more, but once again out of time. Its off to the Theater tonight. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

100 Things

2006-07-03T15:00:00.000Z

I like the idea of sharing 100 things about me but I am not sure I can come up with anything you don't know already from my website or posts but here goes...

1. My name is Carolyn
2. but I go by and prefer Caly
3. I am 46
4. and I found my Sweet Lady when I was 44
5. I also found myself
6. My mother had dominated me most of my life
7. I finally over came it.
8. I am happier now then I ever thought possible.
9. I love being a lesbian and a pagan
10. Life makes sense now.
11. When I was little I loved animals
12. but I was allergic to them.
13. Fortunately I outgrew my allergies to all but cats
14. I became hooked on horses when I was thirteen.
15. I earned a degree in Animal Husbandry
16. But I always wanted to be a teacher.
17. My high school guidance counselor talked me out of it.
18. I use to regret it,
19. I don't any more.
20. I discovered working with food is fun too
21. Also I am pretty good at it *smile
22. Cooking is a family tradition.
23. My grandfather was a baker.
24. My baby brother is a chef.
25. I also have a younger sister.
26. She is in a group home.
27. We have never gotten along.
28. I feel bad about that
29. But its hard to change
30. I am a good person
31. When I finally believed that, I over came my self esteem issues,
32. And my depression.
33. I had thought about suicide once.
34. My best friend Betsy talked me out of it.
35. She will always be my best friend.
36. Now I have a soulmate too.
37. K completes my life
38. And I adore her.
39. Lesbian sex is great.
40. I hated sex with men.
41. I love blueberries best
42. and peaches.
43. I love most vegatables
44. except turnip and lima beans.
45. My favorite food is black beans and rice with salsa and sour cream.
46. I don't drink coffee
47. But I am hooked on sweet tea.
48. I am afraid of dying
49. yet not afraid of death
50. I know my spirit will be at peace.
51. I wish to be cremated
52. and my ashes scattered in the woods by a stream.
53. I am at home with nature.
54. However, terrified of spiders inside my home.
55. My father was bitten once
56. and almost lost his arm.
57. I have 3 tattoos.
58. K has one that matches mine
59. That means everything to me.
60. One of my tats is a ying-yang
61. I believe we need to find balance in all ways and all things to be happy.
62. If the world did this I believe we would have peace.
63. My son was born in 1991
64. I had 2 miscarriages after that.
65. One of them would have been a girl.
66. My partner has 2 daughters
67. So I am helping to raise girls after all.
68. Its harder then I thought.
69. I am a soft butch and a tomboy
70. K has taught me to love shoes though.. hehe
71. But not girly shoes.. 8-P
72. I can't carry a tune if it had a handle
73. but I love to sing.
74. New Age Music has grown to be my favorite.
75. I dont sing along with that.
76. It calms me when I am stressed
77. It feels right, like my Life.
78. I write poetry when the spirit moves me.
79. Someday I want to try macrophotography
80. and perhaps watercolors.
81. Van Gogh is my favorite artist.
82. Cypress trees are suppose to be my tree.
83. Green is my favorite color
84. and has been since I was a kid.
85. I have all of Judy Garland's movies on tape.
86. Kissing K really turns me on. *giggle
87. Someday we want to visit England
88. Medival History fascinates me
89. I love to read books
90. I think I was a monk in a past life.
91. I have small breasts.
92. K doesn't mind.
93. I love to walk on the beach
94. the Gulf of Mexico is my favorite vacation spot
95. I hope we don't live in Knoxville forever.
96. I would like to own a home with K someday.
97. I am proud to be "out"
98. Life is great right now
99. I try to thank the goddess for that everyday
100. There is so much I still want to do with my life

For Rj

2006-06-29T00:05:00.000Z

Hehe I didn't forget my promise, it just has taken a while. Here are few more photos from the Sanibel trip as you asked. The sunset I loved, we watched it every night. The resturant is called the Island Cow and we ate there twice and could have gone more, it was a great place! The bird was so funny because he wouldnt move no matter how close we got. He was waiting for the guy that was fishing to throw him something. The photo looks like the bird is doing the fishing doesnt it? *grin. And finally I just thought the lighthouse was cool. Hope you enjoyed them! *hugs

Dykes on a Dike

2006-06-14T23:18:00.000Z

Finally! I have been waiting to blog about our Sanibel trip till I could figure out a way to post this photo. It wasnt taken digitally so it I had to do a bit of this and that to get in online.

Anyway, I got such a kick out of this sign that I thought we needed photos. It was taken in the Wildlife refuge and they use dikes to keep the water off the trails. I just thought 2 dykes on a dike was funny hehe.

The trip as a whole was incredible as I am sure you have heard K and I both say numerous times at our blogs or the LL board. For me though I realized the other day that it actually was in so many ways our Honeymoon. K and I consider ourselves married in every way but legally and while we have take a few long weekend trips here and there since I moved down, we had not yet taken such a romantic or special trip. The first year we met we made our offical committment to each other in June, but it was a rather tumultous time since K's XH was in the picture and giving us alot of grief. We worked thru all of that and I moved down to TN nine months later, but then after that there was the stress of finding a job, and of course not having any vacation time since I was a new employee. On top of that we were trying to settle into our new life and provide stability for the girls and a way to tell them about us, since they were trying so hard to sort all of this out. Finally in Jan of 2006 we had moved into our "home" together, and since K's X had mellowed and her DDs were now aware of our relationship, we were able to sleep in the same bed every night and actually 'be' a couple in all ways (but legally). So that made our trip our first real get away as a true couple and we renewed our vows to each other on the beach one night which was incredibly romantic. Then to come home and finally find the perfect rings to seal the deal made it the most special time of our lives to date. We may not be doing things in the normal order hehe but we are certainly having the time of our lives. Someday too when the time is right we will have our legal marriage or at least a public committment ceremony.

K is my life and my love and my partner in all and every way. My Lifemate.

The Dance of Everquest

2006-06-10T14:31:00.000Z

I am in the midst of reading a book called the Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd and I am slowly realizing how I am in the midst of my own dance and how in so many ways I have now found the divine feminine as she calls it.
For me it all started with Everquest. A online fantasy role playing game, that allows you to group up with others online in real time and live out medival fantasy as you battle dragons, minotaurs and a thousand other creatures; in the role of dwarf or gnome; wizard or shadowknight to name a few. I was in the deep of my depression when I found this outlet back in 2001.

I started out choosing a character that was a druid and named her Caleef. It was actually how my nickname Caly came to be, as thats what friends in the game shortened it too and I loved it. The main function of my character early in the game is to be a healer and 'transporter' for people; taking them from place to place in the game to complete different quests. I thought it would be an awesome role for me since I was helping people and being needed which was so important to me at the time. After awhile though I realized I was being 'used' more then needed. In certain ways it was a subserviant role or at least could be exploited as such and I allowed that, even though it depressed me more. I was hooked though and the game had drawn me in and Little by little I began to explore, both in the game and in my life. To experiment and push boundaries on what had been my exisitence. I was CALY now, not Carolyn and that made all the difference. I had unnamed myself as Sue Monk Kidd would say.

I created a few new characters, among them a gnome wizard, I called Meewiz. *smile.. Wizard are a semi powerful character in the game, being able to inflict great damage on creatures with strong spells. However they are also very vunerable to attack and are weak defensively. Also by choosing a gnome who is the smallest character in the game, I added to my troubles. However Meewiz also let me be someone I wasnt in many ways. I was a damage dealer now. I could often solo in game and not fear so much. Socially I had begun to reach out, and being able to play 'in character' let me push boundaries I would never have in real life. My character in game married another gnome who was played by a man Not my husband in real life. We were only friends online, and it was never more then that, but it was a big step for me. In real life I was stepping out from under my husband's shadow (he was a very controlling man much like my mother) . I was starting to have 'fun' with life again.

Then came the turning point. Jeff and I were battling about a lot of things and I was at my lowest point in my life depression wise. It was 2003. One night in frustration I went online and created a new character. Named her Mamabear (why I dont know but probably because I was feeling like wife and mother was all I was) She was a warrior of all things and a Barbarian to boot. The second largest character in the game and one with the most hitpoints for her class. Meaning she was very hard to kill. She didnt have special skills or powers though, her weapon was the sword or staff. I went out by myself for the first 10 levels and just killed things. Literally beat them up. It was amazingly cathartic. Along the way I made a friend. Her name was Exxie in game and Betsy in real life. She was to become my best friend in game and out and saved my life, (literally talking me out of suicide one night). We became an in game team. She was a druid, a healer and transporter and could take us places where we could complete quests and gain experience. It became an amazing transformation for me. As Mamabear grew in strength and experience in game, I grew in real life. I was in therapy now and somehow it all just came together. I realized I was a good person and a strong person just like my character and I dug deep to find my own inner strength. Amazingly in game I became well known as a good warrior who could successfully pull monsters to the group without getting them killed. I was asked to be the Lead on many raids we went on to kill the larger dragons in the game. Being the guardian of 15 or 20 people many of them macho males in real life. I was respected.
It spilled over to my real life. I became Mamabear, strong confident and able to take care of myself. I outed myself as a Lesbian in game and in real life. There was incredible acceptance both places. Together Betsy and I took our characters to the highest level there was in game and completed our "Epics". I earned a glowing sword that was the mark of a true "gamer" in the RPG world. I achieved something I was never able to do up until then in real life. Complete a task I set out to do.
Shortly after that is when I met K online and my whole life changed. Betsy and I moved on from Everquest to EQ2 but it was more for fun now. Just a chance to hang out online together since we lived 1200 miles apart. She is still my real life best friend even today. We dont play much anymore but it doesnt matter. I will always be Mamabear in my heart and a warrior now in real life. I am woman, I am strong and I have found my power...
Sue Monk Kidd isnt the only one to have 'danced'.

The Rings!

2006-06-03T12:25:00.000Z

K and I mentioned our new committment rings in our 69 answers and I wanted to share a picture. I wanted to share anyway! I am so excited. When K and I pledged to be partnered 2 years ago we exchanged rings, but we were still living apart and had bought each other rings seperately. She had given me a plain narrow silver band which I loved, and I had given her a heart ring in white gold because she had my heart always. However now that we are together all the time and married in our hearts, I wanted very much to have a pair of matching bands to signify that union to the world. We have our matching tattoos that bond us and are the ultimate expression to me but I wanted something traditional too. Someday we plan to have a ceremony but that isn't feasible right now for many reasons. So we have been searching for rings that we both liked and fit our personality as well as fit our budget. That was the hard part. It had to be good quality but money is always tight as we have other priorities as well.
But Eureka! Last weekend I was googling yet again and found a site called Sea of Diamonds that was having a sale and we found them! 14K white gold. 8-)

Mine is 3mm wide because I can't wear a wide ring With my hands being in water all the time I get a nasty skin condition under rings if they are too wide. and I like simple things. K's style leans toward something a bit more elaborate but she really liked this ring too. What we did is get her the wider version at 5mm. Its really pretty. Funny that the femme gets the more masculine band but we are not traditional in a lot of ways and we love that!

This one is mine. *big grin

K's is the same only wider of course....

69 is divine... hehe

2006-06-02T21:33:00.000Z

1) Are your parents married, divorced, deceased or other? *Married over 50 years

2) Are you Vegetarian? *Nope

3) Believe in Heaven? *Not as its define by Christianity

4) Have you come close to dying? *Not that I know of..

5) What jewelry do you wear 24/7? *My ring from K (we just got matching rings yesterday) and a pentacle ring on my other hand. A moon necklace from my son, and a ring on a chain that says, "I made a wish and you came true"

6) Are you eating? *Not yet but heading to Applebees in a few.

7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? *Yes

8) Wear Makeup? *Never! What you see is what you get. hehe

9) How many people have you kissed in the last month? *Only my Sweet Lady

10) Would you ever have plastic surgery? *Only if it were medically necessary

11) What do you wear to bed? *When we are alone its usually nothing...when we have the girls it's a tanktop and lounge pants

12) Have you ever done anything illegal? *Yes

13) Can you roll your tongue? *Yes

14) Pluck your eyebrows? *No way! though I have shaved the bridge of nose if I get a unibrow LOL

15) What kind of watch(es)? *I don’t wear one any more since I got my italian charm bracelet

16) Abortion? *anti abortion but PRO Choice

17) Hair color? *Dark Blonde

18) Future child's name? *Past that point unless dogs count. hehe

19) Do you snore? *Yes

20) If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go? *England

21) Describe what is on your feet right now. *black Skechers Sneakers

22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? *Go and collect the money *grin

23) Gold or silver? *Silver

24) Hamburger or hot dog? *Hamburger

25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? *Chicken

26) Beach, city, or country? *Depends...on the Beach if it were close to a City that I liked

27) What was the last thing you touched before the keyboard? *The power button

28) Where do you eat? *where ever I find food.. *wink

29) When's the last time you cried? *Last month during my period

30) Have you read blogs? *Yep some

31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? *I have

32) Ever been involved with the police? *I worked for them when I was 15 cataloging parking tickets or some such. It was my first real job after delievering newspapers

33) How many times have you been married? *Twice...Once to a man and now happily 'partnered' which is a marriage to me

34) Do you talk in your sleep? *I have a few times I think but not often

35) beach or pool? *Beach

36) What's your favorite song at the moment? *Dance of the Wild Faeries, a New age recording

37) How do you take your steak? *Medium no spices except salt

38) Window seat or aisle? *window

39) Ever met a famous person? *none that I remember

40) Do you feel that you've ever had a truly successful relationship? *Yes right now

41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? *break it in half when I cook it then twirl

42) Rickie Lake or Oprah Winfrey? *Oprah

43) Basketball or Football? *Football

44) How long do your showers last? *5 mins unless K is in there with me...[weg]

45) Do you drive a stick? *I can but havent in years

46) Cake or ice cream? *cake

47) Self-conscious? *occasionally

48) What time do you get up? *around 6:30 AM

49) Have you ever given money to a bum? *No but I feed them every day.. does that count?

50) When was your first crush? *Freshman in HS, I had a crush on a senior girl

51) Where do you wish you were? *Back in Sanibel, with K

52) Have you ever broken someone's heart? *Yes

53) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? *No

54) Have you ever ridden on/in a fire truck? *No

55) Last gift you received? *My new commitment band!!

56) Name the last three things you purchased. *Gas yesterday, Dinner tonight and a new gym bag at Target on the way home

57) Things you spend a lot of money on? *Travel

58) What state do you live in? *Tennessee

59) How do you eat an OREO? *with my hand they are to hard to use a fork... *giggle

60) Last wedding attended? *Our friends Courtney and Kim's

61) Favorite Fast Food place to eat? *Chick-Fil-A

62) Do you like to shop? *Yes, but not all day

63) Most hated food/drink? *Food: Lima beans Drink: coffee

64) Last play you saw? *Oklahoma Was it good? Not the best production I have seen. 8-(

65) Can you sing? *Only Solo.. So low you can't hear me.

66) One thing you hate? *Dusting

67) One wish: *a long and wonderful life with K

68) Favorite drink? *McDonald's or Chick-Fil-A's sweet iced tea

69) Current Crush? *My K

ABC's of Me

2006-05-17T21:15:00.000Z

Accent: *Actually none when I talk normally, my English teacher once said this would make me a good public speaker. However a definate New York accent when I get excited or angry.

Booze * only Beer on occassions. My favorite is Amber Bock Draft or Sam Adams bottle

Chore I Hate: *Dusting

Dog or Cat: *Dog and prefer the smaller breeds

Essential Electronics: *Cell phone and home computer

Favorite Cologne: *Avon's Haiku

Gold or Silver: *Silver

Hometown: *Pleasantville, NY

Insomnia: *almost never

Job Title: *Food Service Manager

Kids: *One Son who will be 15 in June

Living Arrangements: *Three bedroom apartment with my partner K, her DDs every other week, and our dog, Brandy

Most Admirable Traits: *Trustworthy and a good sense of humor

Number of Sexual Partners: *4
{only one woman 8-) }

Overnight Hospital Stays: *4. Two when I was a child for a tonsilectomy and an appendectomy. One for the birth of my son and one for complications of a colonoscopy

Phobias: *Heights, (Spiders but only if they are indoors) and the fear of dying but not fear of death.

Quote: "This above all to thine own self be true..."

Religion: *Pagan

Siblings: *One sister 3 years younger and One brother 5 years younger

Time I Wake Up: *Usually wake up sometime around 6 AM, what time I get out of bed varies. *grin

Unusual Talent or Skill: *I can curl my upper lip like Elvis

Vegetable I Love: *Sweet Potato

Worst Habit: Not finishing my drink and leaving half empty glasses all over the house.

X-Rays: *Lower GI tract, Back when I went to the Chiropracter, Mammograms and a base line Chest X-ray

Yummy Foods I Make: *Pasta Primavera, Sweet and Sour Meatballs, Chicken Pot Pie, off the top of my head. I have been told I am a pretty good cook all around.

Zodiac Sign: *Aquarius

The Importance of Sex...

2006-05-16T10:40:00.000Z

Dutch Treat

Pressure building

Wetness seeps
between the cracks

Nature's primal force
seeking, wanting, needing,
a release

Drip
p
i
n
g

Damn!

Someone, Someone
Stick a finger in the dyke
to stem the flow

Ahh -
Saved.

*Caly D 2006*

LOL Thats what happens when my hormones are raging at the other end of the spectrum and we are staying at my partner's parents house for the weekend .. Hehehe
Certainly not something that I will ever publish or even post at the LL board (It would be a ToS violation), But I did want to save it and share it here, because its a part of me, and kind of fun if I do say so myself. My poetry are my emotions put into words, what ever those feelings may be at the time.

At the LL this week we also happen to be talking about the importance of sex in a relationship. Now when I was married and with the wrong person, I would have rated it a zero. I could have cared less if it ever happened. But now with K, I am just amazed at how my body and my mind crave it, just because she walks in a room.

I do still think though that intimacy and other aspects of sharing and being together are just as important and that intimacy and sex are different things. That is why on a scale I would rank it lower but as you can see from the poem, it is certainly something I value. ROFL

Dont fence me in..

2006-05-09T11:28:00.000Z

Each and every day I realize more and more how unique I am and how important that is to me. Its not only OK to be outside the box, its very liberating! Hehe
My latest revelation about my uniqueness came with my most recent purchase. A cowboy hat of sorts, for the beach on our vacation. Its white and its straw and its one of those crushable types. It also has a few sparkles on it and I purchased it in a fancy little girls department at a store called Loubie Loo. LOL You see I have a very small head. Size 6 5/8 to be exact and since every adult hat generally only comes in a size 7 or larger I am at a big disadvantage. To give you an idea how small my head is, the other day I astonished K by trying on a 5T baby hat that Fit!
Anyway, what this lead me too, more then the uniqueness of my head size was that I as a Butch (if I was going to be labeled) was totally comfortable wearing a little girls sun hat. *grin I don't exactly fit the sterotype of a Butch I realized but I know now that its OK. I definately have my Butch traits and there are some things I wont ever do. (Like wear a dress or pantyhose EVER again) but I can still be comfortable in my skin and be afraid of spiders or ask directions when I am lost and still call myself butch if I choose.

We love to put things in little boxes, it makes our life so much easier doesnt it? But living outside the box and letting Life be outside the box is much much more Fun!

Another Busy Weekend.

2006-04-30T20:00:00.000Z

Gosh this has been some month and May is filling up just as fast. One thing I can never say again is that Life is Dull. LOL
Things at work were quiet for the most part this week as people tried to let the reality of David's passing sink in. I just got back from his memorial service which was nicely done. Coming from the Catholic Church which insist you will burn in Hell if you commit suicide, it was reassuring to see a church say, "God forgives you no matter what you do". Its all a little uncomfortable for me of course because of my Pagan theology but I still wanted to help put David's soul to rest and I think we did that.

Speaking of Paganism, one of the things I did this weekend was finally finish redoing my website. I changed over to Bravehost. com since Lycos was giving me nothing but grief and I am really happy with the result. If you would like to check it out here is the link http://calyd.bravehost.com/ and feel free to leave comments in the guestbook. One of the pages I added to this one, talks about my Paganism and I hope it gives people more insight into who I am.

Another spot that kept me busy this weekend was the LL board. I am really trying to bring some life back to it and have been throwing out the idea of a Book Discussion group there. I have always wanted to belong to belong to one, and it seems to me that online offers a great chance to do that. I hope I can get at least a few people to participate. Looks like the first book we are tackling is Kindred by Octavia Butler.

The final fun escape of the weekend was last night's Lesbian Dance. I SOOO look forward to them because I Love to dance so much and we had to miss the previous 2 because of having company or being out of town. The turn out last night was Super and K and I had a great time. I feel soo energized when I am around family. I would have danced more but K's leg is still bothering her 8-/ Hopefully we can figure out whats wrong with that soon. Still people watching is always fun and we sat at a table with an outgoing bunch so we had a great time no matter what. Looking ahead we may miss the June Dance because Jordan will here (though we can maybe still go) but I hope nothing keeps us from the August one. K and I talked about getting some dance videos too so we can practice at home. That would be awesome.

I can't believe it..

2006-04-25T22:53:00.000Z

This afternoon I found out that one of the gentlemen I worked with (not one of my cooks he ran the food pantry) committed suicide. I am just devasated. He was in his 50s and a really nice guy. He got on my nerves abit and we use to joke that it was easier to deal with things when David wasnt around, but never in my wildest dreams did I or anyone want this. It seems he went to a local motel yesterday and took an overdose of pills, that is all we know.
Its just so hard to imagine him not being there anymore. He and I worked closely together since we shared the storeroom/my office and 20 times a day he would come thru the door and sing "hello Caly" and I would sing "hello David" to the tune of that kids song "Camp Grenada" and then we would laugh and he would pull up a milk crate and we would chat for a few minutes about everything from my being a lesbian (he was one of the first I outed myself too, he was so cool about things) to how to eat a tamarind seed. He would tell me about growing up in the South Pacific (he lived there for 5 years as a kid) or sometimes we even discussed God and the Bible. He was not overly religious so we talked about it from a more worldly view. He often confided in me about his love life and while he would have down days now and then, I never ever imagined this.
I have dealt with death before. All 4 of my grandparents have died. The first when I was 13 and the last when I was 38 I think, but that seems so different then this. I sat in my chair at work after I heard and the room just seemed so hollow. The last time I saw him was last Wednesday because I took 4 days off of work and part of me hurts knowing that. That day he came into my office bouncing 2 superballs (the kind you buy in a gumball machine these days) and bounced one to me and said here is a present for you. Then we joked and talked about being kids and how superballs were tennis ball size back then and dark blue. I put that little ball in my desk that day and took it out just before I left and my eyes welled up. Much like they are doing now as I write this. David left an hour before I did each day and that Wednesday in his usual way, walked in the door behind me and said "ooooooh Caaallly" and that was my cue to say, "Oh David I bet you are going hooommme now." and he said yep as always. I said have a nice weekend and see you monday. He said "Enjoy Caly"...

I think I will remember him for a long time...

Big Weekend!

2006-04-23T14:49:00.000Z

Well I got to take 4 days off from work which was well needed and deserved if I do say so myself hehe.. But it was anything but restful .... That we are saving for next month's Florida vacation.
Anyway, I did go to a friend's wedding this weekend and it was Wonderful. It was beautifully done and touch me deeply in many ways. To see Love expressed so fully and openly is very special. It also made me realize how much I want to show the world my love and committment to K. Its a little harder right now because she is not as 'out' as I am, but we have talked about that and she is going to work on being more comfortable sharing more fully who she is with others. I want the world to know the incredible person that I know and have her find the freedom and fulfillment that I found in being who I was completely.
In the meantime, I really want to work on at least finding the money to get a pair of matching committment bands. One thing I have found in the last year is that sometimes the little things can have a big impact. I have been amazed at the number of positive responses I have gotten because I wear small pride pins on some of my jackets and caps. Its not an in your face sort of thing but once again it 'puts me out there' and I like that.
Having some sort of ceremony is something we want for the future too of course. But one step at a time.

The other big happening of the weekend was be getting my Yellow hat back. For those of you not familiar with iVillage; Community Leaders for their message boards have a little yellow hat icon next to their name. I am once again a CL now for the Lesbian Life board. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhlesbianlif?redirCnt=1 Its a really great forum and I look forward to helping to keep it a fun, safe and exciting place. Its pretty cool to be doing it alongside my partner too, as she is the other CL there. We have come to believe we make a pretty good team in all things.

All in All a good weekend.

Lesbians in the House!

2006-04-19T10:45:00.000Z

Hehe by that of course I mean, House M.D. the TV show on Fox. Last night's episode was about a woman and her partner, with one being deathly ill and the other donating half her liver to save her. The catch? The sick women was actually planning to dump her partner and she doesn't know it (we think) when she goes thru the procedure. At the very end we find out that she did know, but slyly says "well I just gave her her life back, she can't leave me now" . I was like Whoaaaaaaaaa blown away at first. Its hard to imagine people truly having those kinds of feelings and for a minute I was mad because I thought it portrayed Lesbians in a bad way (being so manipulative) but K pointed out that the same thing could have been done with a heterosexual couple and she is right, but still.. I guess it just bothers me to see that kind of crap in any relationship.. *sigh
It was nice to see lesbians once again in a mainstream TV show. We are everywhere aren't we? *wink

Daily Fluff

2006-04-18T11:13:00.000Z

I am trying to figure out a way to blog more. I read others blogs and they always seem to have something to say, and I come here and wonder if people really want to hear my daily fluff or should I wait for something more profund to say.
I know I explored this idea once before in my blog and decided that this blog was a place for me and I wasn't writing it for others. However I must admit that when I do blog something and no one comments, I wonder if anyone is even reading it, or is it "that" boring LOL and I wonder why I bother. OK I admit I just contradicted myself. Typical

Anyway, I have decide at least for awhile, if I have the time, I am going to try and post more of the daily fluff that is my life. A writer once told me when I was working on my poetry, to just write at least one poem a day whether it is good or bad and eventually something will come out of it. At a photo class once, I was told take a whole roll of film (back before digital days LOL) and if you get one good shot out of it, you are doing well. SO I am going to throw more words at the page and see what happens. Once and awhile I may even have something worthwhile to say.. We'll see...

So get this...

Last night I think I had my first hot flash. Hehehe. I am someone who is Always Cold in general, no matter what the temperature. But last night around midnight I woke up and actually felt warm. I was 'glistening' even (as they use to say women don't sweat) and I asked K if we could turn the air conditioner up. It took about 20 minutes after that for me to get comfortable again, and all I could do was lay there thinking.. uh oh.. this maybe it..and laughed. You see there was a standing joke when I was back in VT with all the women I worked with, that because I was Never Hot, they couldnt wait until I started getting hot flashes. I always said I would look forward to them so I could finally be warm. Well guess what? If this is what I have to look forward to, I have changed my mind! Hehehe

Anyway, enough fluff for one day..

FYI

2006-04-10T11:52:00.000Z

GAY INDEX
Tennessee > All counties > Knox County > Knoxville, TN

-->
Knoxville, TN
Gay index: 107
Gay male index: 91
Lesbian index: 124
National norm: 100

The gay index is a comparative score, based on the percentage of people reporting in the 2000 U.S. Census that they lived in a same-sex partnership. A score of 100 is the national norm. A number above 100 indicates that the local proportion of same-sex unmarried households is higher than the national average. For example, 140 would mean that the proportion was 40 percent higher than the national norm. A score of 60 would be 40 percent lower. This statistic is not an absolute measure of gay households. Not everyone who lives in such a relationship is gay; not everyone who is gay lives in such a relationship; and some who do may feel uncomfortable saying so on a census return. However, responses to the question, asked of all U.S. households, provide a good indicator of gay relationships in a community. ePodunk publishes three measures: a combined gay male/lesbian score called the gay index, a score for gay males and a score for lesbians. The indexes are provided for the 1,360 U.S. communities in which 50 or more couples reported living in such relationships. Statistics were analyzed by Gary Gates, a demographer at the Urban Institute and co-author of The Gay and Lesbian Atlas.Return to Knoxville community profile

Now finding that was a neat way to start a Monday. K and I have always kidded that Knoxville is the biggest closet in the world. There are lots of us here, its just no one will admit it.. *grin

Googling...

2006-04-06T23:33:00.000Z

Guess I never thought about it.. Googling myself that is.. a friend blogged about and it occured to me that I had never done that so I tried. Pretty interesting if I do say so.
When I used the name I go by now, Caly, and my last name, it brought up the 2 poems I had published online last year in Cynic Magazine, that was pretty cool. It also gave me a link to an article about me that was published in Out and About Newspaper. When I used my given name and last name, I found out there are a few of us out there. One of them is a past Alumni president of the College of Nursing at UT. Now thats a small world! There is also a social worker in Bloomington Illinois and Decon in St Augustine FL with my name.

The funniest was when I just googled Caly. It did bring up the piece I did a few years ago for iVillage about Living with Depression. But I also found out there is a website selling cowbells called CalyBells! ROFL and someone who misspelled Clay Bricks as Caly Bricks on their website. LOL Finally quite a few other bloggers with that name.

I guess I never realized how much I really am floating around in cyberspace. Cool but it sure makes you think about what you put your name to out here.

More on the Dyke Dog

2006-04-04T11:20:00.000Z

Don't have time for a long post, but last night was soo funny I just had to write about it. Ever since Brandy came to live with us I have called her Dyke Dog. It started because she doesnt like men. I think it is because she may have been abuse as a puppy. (I got her from the pound when she was 1 1/2) Anyway she loves to growl at them hehe when they come to the house. I notice she also tends to go around marking her territory much like male dogs do but not something I had seen in previous females that I owned. Anyway....

Her new thing is to be jelous of K and I when we get 'snuggly'. Last night we were on the couch watching TV and Brandy was laying next to me. Any time I would lean over and start to kiss K, Brandy would jump up and lick my ear and try and get between us. It was rather comical of course but when our cuddling lead to more we retired to the bedroom and closed the door. LOL I told Brandy she needs to find her own partner! *grin

Never a dull moment in this house!

I got Tagged...

2006-03-31T00:17:00.000Z

So here are my answers...

1. Who was your first prom date? Keith McKenzie

2. Who was your first roommate(s)? I can't remember the name of the person I was assigned to room with at college but within the first week we ended up switching with 2 other people on our floor and I roomed with Cindy Ernst for 2 years.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Whiskey Sour

.4. What was your first job? Newspaper route at 13 to pay for the riding lessons I wanted.

5. What was your first car? 1966 Chevy II

6. When did you go to your first funeral? 13.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? 21 or 22.
8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. McGlothlin.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? From White Plains, NY to Buffalo, NY.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? Never did that.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Betsy Penix, I didnt have a first best friend till about 6 years ago and we are still very close.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents' house? In an apartment above a horse barn at my first job. I lived rent free for 10 years when I worked with horses and lived all over the east coast.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? K.

14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman? Mary Jean Calvi. I was Maid of Honor but only because she thought I was more organized then her best friend. A slap in the face when I look back on it now.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Snuggle up to K and smile because I am so happy.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? Renaissance (1976 0r 77)

17. First tattoo or piercing? What age? Ears pierced during college at 18. Got my first tattoo at 43, second at 44 and third and final at 46.

18. First celebrity crush? Bobby Sherman. (if anyone knows who he is LOL)

19. Age of first kiss? 14.

20. First crush? Can't remember her name but she was a senior when I was a sophomore and had long blond hair. She sat infront of me in typing class and she was the manager of the boys wrestling team. I remember going to all the home games just to see her. My mother wondered why I liked wrestling.. LOL

21. First time you did drugs? Never.

Ok I am going to tag RJ and SandraLea to answer these 21 and tag someone else if they want to.. 8-)

I have a damn cool life!

2006-03-25T12:57:00.000Z

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about some of the things I have done in my life in order to post a game at the LL board on iVillage. It made me realize what a cool life I have lived so far and how much fun is yet to come.

I have posted in the past about how things have been hard in my life because of my mother's attitude towards me, but I realize that it actually made me a stronger person, and while not everything about my childhood was great, it wasn't half bad either. Your perspective definately changes as you grow older.

Yet the best is certainly Yet to Be! I have this incredible woman in my life now who makes me happier then I ever thought possible. We have had the last week to ourselves as her kids are off at grandma's for spring break and we got a chance to reconnect emotionally and physically and its been amazing! I use to shake my head and think it was all a lie when I would read about people being in Love and some of the things you were suppose to feel and do, but trust me, when you find the right person, its all true! Hehehe

Moonshadows is about the reflections of my life, but right now the sun is bright in my life, there isnt a shadow to be found. *grin

Haven't Blogged in forever.........

2006-03-13T12:24:00.000Z

Yes, for those of you who still check this thing on occassion, LOL, I am finally blogging. Its not that I haven't wanted to, its just finding the time to do anything these days has been a challenge. All in all its been wonderful though, so I like to think of it as a good thing that I havent had time to blog.

My Son was here for a week in Feb. It was really cool. He is taller then I am now(barely hehe) but I am definately begining to see a young man. Its sort of amazing when I think about it. I just hope he finds something to focus on in his life. Right now he is so dispassionate about everything, but such is the life of a teenager right?

Arrrrrghhhhhhh, here I am finally having time to blog and I have writers block! I guess really more what it is, is its hormone time again and I am trying to keep the negative feelings in check. I really am trying to get a handle on this, though I think sometimes K doesnt think so. But 2 different doctors and I have discussed how it really doesnt make sense to go on daily drugs that may make me a zombie the rest of the month, just so I don't get so down in the dumps 2 days out of the month. I know I can do this. I come soo close each month and then usually blow it over one little thing that just hits me the wrong way. An old friend of mine who is bipolar, told me her trick is to watch for triggers and then avoid them if you can. I tried warning K this month, that it would be a hard weekend... may I can do better in April. I just hate that I take it out on K, thats not fair. Men can just ignore you when you go balistic, hehe, but your soulmate is much more intune with your feelings. We did promise that we aren't going to let our hormones come between us. That is helping alot. Knowing that she understands.

Well, I tried not to be a negative as I have in the past when I'm like this. Fortunately the 2 days are over know and I can feel myself coming out of it already. Its amazing how our bodies work sometimes. I am going to do my best to make this a good week for us. I am loving my Life now and want to enjoy every minute of it. I just have to remind myself that the bad days are part of the Ying Yang balance that is central to my life. And if I can strike a balance of 28 or 29 good days to 2 bad days every month, thats a pretty good deal!

Better then a Dream

2006-02-15T18:13:00.000Z

Isn't it usually the way in life that things never live up to your expectations? You dream about that perfect vacation, or plan that perfect meal, and then, while its all so wonderful and you enjoy, its never quite what you hoped it would be..

Well that has all come to an end for me. My Life is now and forever better then I could have ever dreamed it. I laid in bed this morning, remembering how I spent 2004 hoping and dreaming about a life with K and what it would be like. Then I looked at the facts and its 2006 and everything is better and more wonderful then I could have imagined.

Yesterday was the perfect Valentines Day even if I am fighting a bit of a cold and we both had to work. (see? perfect isn't always what you think it should be) I put in for a sick day today so that made last night even more relaxing. When we got home we exchanged cards and K had gotten me the awesome little gift of my favorite undies from Victoria's Secret and sleep pants with hearts all over them. 8-) I had only a card for her but that is because my gift is Tickets to see Momix http://www.momix.com/ at the Tennessee Theatre tonight. I know how much she enjoys dance. So last night's fun was dinner at our favorite resturant instead. Then there was a little candlelight 'cuddling' at home and watching our favorite TV show; House M.D. This morning we got to "wake each other up" in the best way possible since there was no rush for me to get out the door.

Anyway, after K left for work it hit me. My life is soooooo wonderful and I am happier then I ever thought I could be. Everything in our day to day lives is better then the best because we have each other to share it with. It doesnt have to be major event filled days either, just being together is what it is all about....

I am truly blessed.

Its that "time"

2006-02-10T13:32:00.000Z

Warning! Notice the date of this post.. somewhere around 28 days since my last 'down' post. Take it for what it is... Hormones smeared across the page.

I'm not even sure why I am blogging. I have a headace the size of Vesuvius about to blow and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Instead I need to run the kitchen by myself today, since my kitchen staff is in flux due to one cook breaking her hip, and the other cook, her husband, having to be with her, and not wanting to work my new part timer to death... I want to cook, I love to cook, just not today.. *sigh

I cant even bring myself to write it all, its soo stupid.. Why am I stupid? I am trying so hard to be everything by Baby wants me to be and then I blow it.

Typing is making me nauseated, best just leave this be....

Look for a better post on a better day...

What Kind of Soul am I?

2006-02-02T21:47:00.000Z

***You Are a Peacemaker Soul***
You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.
While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.
Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul
What Kind of Soul Are You?http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/

This was a fun quiz and I have to admit pretty accurate, though on a few questions I could have gone either way on my answers. What will be cool is for my partner to take the quiz and answer the way She sees me. 8-)

Edited to add that she did take the test both for herself and for me and I answered the quiz the way I saw her and we came up with this...

ME -
You Are a Dreaming Soul
Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficultYou are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

Her -
You Are a Prophet Soul
You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

Now what is interesting is we both agree that the outcomes we did for each other suit us more then the ones we did for ourselves and that if you notice... Our results show us most compatible with each other. Just goes to show that line from a Robert Burns poem is sooo true..

"O wad some Power the giftie gie us, To see oursels as ithers see us!"

Translation...hehe Oh what power God would give us, to see ourselves as others see us.

Definate food for thought!

A wedding of sorts

2006-01-29T15:16:00.000Z

No, we didnt get to do it legally yet, though I hope someday. But we didnt need a piece of paper. We didnt have a ceremony in front of family and friends, though that would be incredibly special. We dont need anyone's permission or okay.
We bonded in a much much deeper way.

Our preacher was a former blacksmith, with a handlebar mustache, and few words about Love, but plenty about his life and professions. Our congregation was a handful of rednecks, in varying states of dress and paying half hearted attention to our ceremony. This all took place in a little hole in the wall in a small TN town called Maryville with the name Electric Sting.

Yes K and I finally got our matching tattoos. And in my mind and heart it was as special and meaningful as a wedding. To permanently change your body to reflect your feelings for someone else, says something pretty deep in my book. I love my Baby soo much.

We hadn't planned on getting them yesterday, though we have talked about it for almost a year now. We got the name of reputable place from a friend of K's who has a tattoo and took a ride out there to decide on a design and make an appointment for next month. I had assumed we needed to do this, since that was the way it worked in VT. They wont do on the spot tattoos.
But this gentleman said, heck we can do them right now, after we spent about 20 mins finding just the right hearts. We had decided on matching interlocking hearts after going back and forth between a butterfly for her and a celtic symbol for me. Having them match just seemed to make them sooo much more meaningful.
I wish a had a camera though to snap K's face when he said "lets do them now". Hehe I know she wasnt mentally prepared but was a real trooper, as Im sure the spot on her lower back was a painful place to work on. Mine really didnt hurt much at all, as there is plenty of muscle on the upper arm. It would have been neat to have them in the same place as well, but I really wanted to be able to see mine and K wanted her's to be hidden to everyone but me. Its part of the Ying and Yang that makes us work.
I wrote a poem about it too.. and the photo is of mine (hehe only I get to see K's remember) 8-)

Two Hearts linked forever,
Red and black flowed free.

The pain of a love
so complete,
rippled down my arm.

Would You
bleed for your Love
for all the world to see?

My Love bled for me
And I for her.

Two hearts linked forever
Blood red upon the skin.

~CalyD 2006 ~

Happy Birthday to Me.... hehe

2006-01-26T12:32:00.000Z

Wow 46!

I'm sitting here trying to think back to when I was a kid and what I thought my life would be like when I was this age, but I don't remember. Perhaps that is a sign of age? LOL Actually I do remember as a kid not thinking much past 40 and thinking how 'old' that would be. Hehehe

Truly I have never felt younger in my life. Most young women dread their 40s and you see all the commercials on TV how you need to take care of yourself to keep from looking like you are 40. But in reality most women (myself included) who are in their 40's say its the best time of their life. Its true. I have more confidence, self esteem and contentment then ever, and while some of that comes from having this awesome wonderful special Lady and Partner in my life. A good part of it just comes from the wisdom gained in the last 46 years and how that changes your perspective on things. I am fortunate too to been in OK shape at the moment and good health. Though mornings do take longer to get going... Hehehe

Anyway in sooo many ways today is a good day. We had an great 2 days with the girls even though poor Katie is sick again. And the clarity that comes with balanced hormones, helps me to see that this really will all work out better then I could have hoped. We even had dinner with K's XH last night which was a bit bizzare of course, but nice to see that even that relationship has potential to be an OK one.

Now I get to look forward to an incredibly wonderful weekend with my Sweet Lady. We have tommorrow off and we are going to spend it, totally and completely relaxing. Something we have talked about soooo much *grin
But I suppose if I want to enjoy tommorrow I best go get things settled at work do I dont need to worry about anything there.

The birthday girl.. "over and out" 8-)

A wrong Assumption

2006-01-24T23:50:00.000Z

This post is among other things to clear up a wrong assumption made by someone who replied to my last post. This made me think that others may also be thinking the same thing and its far from the truth.. So let me clarify-

I am Not Unhappy. Far from it, I am happier and more content then I have ever been or ever could be in my life. My last post was voicing my frustration with myself, and the difficulty I am having at times dealing with K's children. It doesn't mean I am not happy with my life or with them. As another commenter pointed out, they are just being kids and even blended heterosexual couples face this issue at some point if there are kids involved. Kids are kids. I was just disappointed in myself that it does bother me, since I had assumed that it would be easy, since I do enjoy being around children.

But this just goes to show that everyone can make a wrong assumption, even Me LOL

The other thing about my last post is that it occurred at the 'low point' in my cycle and the time of the month I call the "dreaded days" since I go hormonally off the wall, and everything is wrong, and is magnified 1000 times. K and I have joked about locking me in a closet for 48 hours till the feeling passes each month. Hehe So from now on, if you notice 28 days between crazy posts, just be forewarned when you read it. *wink

K and I have since had several good long talks about all of this and things are fine. She is totally awesome about giving ALL of us what we need and she knows that I would Never put her in a position of having to put me before the girls. Our relationship is much more rock solid then that. We are soulmates. Its just that we are also women hehe and hormones rule our lives..and for me being perimenopausal..... well.... those who are of similar age can sympathize...

SO for now, I am back to normal (whatever normal is) and I am happy, happy, happy.... with Everything!

Bits and Pieces

2006-01-21T12:58:00.000Z

Wow has it really been that long since I have been here? I knew that the holidays would fly by, but it seems incredible to be that its been 2 months since I had time to sit and write. I had made a resolution to start back blogging for New Year but its still been 3 weeks since then LOL.. Oh well here I am.

I think part of the reason I had put this off, is what I need to blog about is so hard to write. It has really been bothering me, that I am not as good a person as I hoped I could be. Oh I know I am a good person, this is not about self esteem, its about being human I guess, but still finding it hard to let down a person who means so much to you.
Of course at this point you are all saying "would she just spit it out already!". But thats the problem, its hard to admit that I am having a hard time adjusting to having K's kids around sometimes. I get so mad at myself about it. I mean it should be easy! I love kids, I worked in schools for 8 years! I am good with kids! I was a scout leader for 5 years and recieved all sorts of awards. It doesnt make sense and that is why it hurts me to even admit it, let alone write about it.
Part of it is my age I know, I did all this once already, so its hard to go back, but it shouldnt be! I love K with all my heart and I will do anything for her. That is why this is hurting so much. I dont want to let her down. I am trying soo hard too, but it doesnt seem to show and that is frustrating. Its of course not helped by the fact that the kids hate me, (I know K says otherwise, but actions speak louder then words.), but I can't blame them. Their lives have been turned upside down and I am at the center of that. I am also the one trying change the rules the lived by for so long. But if I dont bring some order into my life I am going to lose it... It just so hard to talk about and that is the biggest problem, K and I should be able to talk about anything.....

On a different note..... do any of you laugh when you make love? LOL It has been the funniest thing but sometimes when K and I are intimate, I reach this incredible level of pleasure that I lose my breath and then get so happy I start to giggle. Well this makes K start and I just sooo adore her laugh that it gets me going and next thing we know we are laughing hysterically. I mean neither of us minds so its not a problem, its just bizarre.. isnt it? Though I do know that all emotions are so tightly connected that is probably not as far fetched as it sounds. Just rather amusing...

Anyway, I have a million things on my mind and could blog all day I think.. Work sucks right now since my part timer is quitting on me. I had to cut back hours because of a budget problems and the 2 full time cooks are so hard to deal with. It just throws back in my face what a lousy manager I am. Just has not helped my mood lately so everything has been so much more difficult. Then just when I feel I have things under control, K's XH messes with our lives yet again and I just want to scream!

Physically K and I can escape for a day or 2 but how do I get this all out of my head? That is what is driving me crazy.... I think I need to listen to my Music more, that seems to to help the most..

Enough of this for now.................

7 Up

2005-11-16T17:47:00.000Z

7 Things I want to do before I die:

Tour the British Isles with K
Learn the art of stained glass
Take an Olivia Cruise
Marry K (even if it's not legal)
See my son settled and happy
Publish my poems in print
Find my "Way" on the pagan path

7 Things I can't do:

Marry K (yet)
Play an instrument
Touch my toes
Knit
Rollerskate
Wear high heels
Look down from high places

7 Things that attract me to the same sex:

We understand each other
Soft skin
I feel comfortable
Easy to talk to
Just feels right

7 Things I say most often:

No problem
I love you, Baby
Hey there
Sounds good
Take it easy
So, what's the plan?
Have a good one

7 Celebrity crushes (sort of):

Renee O'Connor
Jane Seymour
Ellen DeGeneres
Leisha Hailey
Wynonna Ryder
Melissa E.
Nancy McKeon

7 Ways a Partner can say I love you:

Holds my hand
Caresses my cheek
Sends a surprise E-card
Cuddles close in bed
Supports me in all things
Always tries to fulfill my needs
Calls me Sweetheart

7 People you want to do this: They've probably already done it but would be:

Pam
Bug
Kim
Court
K
Laurie
Ginny

A Coven of One

2005-11-10T21:37:00.000Z

A friend recently asked me to share more of my Pagan beliefs with her if I was willing. At first I was going to write her an email, but then decided to leave it here instead, since I know she reads it and this way I can share it with others as well.

My post is titled as such because sometimes I do feel that my beliefs are like no one elses but that is OK because I am starting to learn that we do need to find our own Path to enlightenment so to speak. One thing you will notice about my ramblings on religion is that I incorporate soooo many different ideologies into it but I just think that strenthens my beliefs not lessens them.

First off let me clarify too that though I mention Coven I am not Wiccan. All wiccans are pagan but not all pagans are wiccan. Its not that I dont believe in the tenants of Wicca, its just that I dont believe in following the rigid guidelines of any religion. I think religion is the antithesis of God or the Goddess as you will. The core of my beliefs is built more on Mother Nature (for lack of a better word for her, though there are many) being THE Goddess. Nothing is more powerful then nature if you think about it. And I just can't wrap my head around the image of some 'god' looking down on us and saying .."Ok let me have an flood here today to teach this people to bow down to me".. I think nature is the Goddess itself.
But I also dont think we need to worship it. Here is where I get away from organized religion and all its trappings. I think our goal is rather to live in harmony with Nature. To find the Balance is to be at peace.

Finding that balance is my Path. I think the ying yang is a more powerful symbol then the fish the christians use. Again if you think about it..NOTHING exists one sided. There are 2 sides to everything. Even the other side of Infinity is Nothingness which is something.. We are set upon this path to find the center point of this existence and live there in peace. We have even been giving the tools to do so. Our minds are big enough to develop the technology to tell when we are building a city below sealevel or to find the faults in the earth's crust. So if in knowing these things we still chose to live there and we are then wiped out by the forces of nature we choose to ignore. Is it the fault of some God or even the wrath of Mother Nature? Hardly it is our own choosing.... hence or failure to find the balance in our life.

I believe too that nothing happens by mere chance. Kismet is a strong presence in this world and while we are destined to make choices, and suffer the outcome of those. When we begin to walk the right path, the fate of those choices brings more happiness. It was like when I finally opened myself up to the 'way' which is how some pagans talk about finding their center. I started by no longer denying who I was in this world. Coming out as a lesbian brought me not only peace of mind, but also led me down this path and into the arms of my soulmate. Its all intertwined in my beliefs..

Soooo are you confused yet? Its often soo hard to put into words what I have begun to find as I live the life of a Pagan. One good book I am currently reading is helping me. Its called Moonheart by Charles De Lint. There is also a book I read many years ago by someone called Carlos Castaneda (the teachings of Don Juan) that talks about finding "the way" I need to track it down and reread it for sure.

I will blog more on this in the future... Thanks for reading..

Its soo cool to be "out"

2005-11-08T21:16:00.000Z

Had a chance today to "out" myself to someone and it was so much fun! LOL I know I may seem crazy, but its just soo great to be this comfortable with who I am.
I had my first annual exam here in TN with a new doctor. Her name is Holly Baker and she is really easy to talk to, which is nice. Anyway as part of the exam she was taking my history and proceeded to ask if I was sexually active. I was at ease saying " Yes, but with a woman". She was totally nonplused and just said " Well that counts." Hehe We went on from there like normal which just felt so great.

I did have my first EKG today as a baseline and found out I have an abnormal rhythmn. Dr Baker said it was probably normal for me, since I have no heart problems or shortness of breath at any time, but its just one of those things now that I will always keep in the back of my mind. I hate when I can't let things go. She of course said if she was concerned she would have done more tests, so I just need to relax...

I will get my other test results in a few weeks but she said things looked great. I always feel so much better after my yearly exam, just knowing I am as healthy as I feel. 8-)

Cowboys and Indians

2005-11-02T12:22:00.000Z

I have to admit, this is a pretty good photo of me sans glasses. It was what I wore to our last Lesbian Dance, a Halloween Party, which was really fun. K and I are really getting into the swing of dancing together and its one of my favorite things to do. If there is music playing I will dance LOL

K wasn't feeling that well that night and ended up not wearing her Indian costume after all, it just wasnt comfortable and I totally understood. I did think she looked cute as a button though and risking the wrath of a femme who never thinks she looks in photos, I will post it anyway.. Hehe I love you Baby!

Halloween Fun

2005-10-27T21:45:00.000Z

This morning there was this tiny incident in bed while K was dozing and it just struck me as so funny, I couldnt help but turn it into a poem. I sooo love that K is my Muse in that way. She inspires my life in so many ways and I love her soo much. I know Im hard to live with sometimes, but as my recent iVillage inkblog test revealed, I strive so much for Peace in my life and all I want is to be the real family that K and I long for. Turmoil especially when it comes in the form of her XH just drives me over the edge and I feel so bad because more then anything I want to be K's rock right now. I just have to try harder and I will..

Now back to this poem... Hehe... enjoy...

I'm not afraid of Ghosts

Ghosts and witches
don't scare
in the glare
of the sun
You say.

Goblins pose
no fright
when out of sight
in the light
of day,
Hooray!

But soon off to rest
your arm flung
cross my chest,
Kiss my forehead
in bed
and sleep for awhile
snuggling in style,
I smile.

Then your dream whimpers
start
and I wake
to pain in my heart

For now comes
a moan
plus an ungodly groan
as you clench
my left breast
and OW!

Who's scared
of Halloween now?

8-)

Yes I am Alive..

2005-10-21T07:02:00.000Z

Very Much Alive.. In some ways, more Alive then I have been in 45 years.

I have soo wanted to blog so many times in the last 3 weeks and just wasnt able to find the time to do it. Life has just been crazy, though mostly a wonderful crazy.. hehe... Most of it I know comes from trying to live in 2 different places, so hopefully, once K and I get our apartment together, life will finally be more sane.
The good news is, I think we really are going to have a place by December! We found a complex that is in the right school district, is affordable and hopefully big enough. The woman was pretty positive about have a 3 bedroom for us by Dec so I am trying to relax. The only thing that really has me on edge anymore is the fact that K's DDs don't yet know about our relationship. I know it shouldnt be a big deal because they are so young, but it feels wrong to me to be living a lie in front of 2 people so central to our lives. Besides once they know and are OK with it, it gives K's XH even Less ammunition to make our lives miserable and we can slowly introduce that final step in making our relationship complete and being able to sleep in the same bed, like a real couple. I know its going to eat at me to act out this little game every night and stroll off to a different room, like I am some houseguest....but... I will do what I have to do for my Baby......

On a different note, I do feel totally awesome about finding my 'niche' in this world. By that I mean, I finally feel like I know who Caly "is". I denied soo much about myself to myself for so long, that at times I didnt knew what was real and what was something I was doing to fit in. That uncertainess is gone now, replaced by a much stronger pagan lesbian poet . 8-) Exploring my true beliefs that Nature is the Goddess and honoring those spirits feels right. I dont think though that it is is necessary to "worship" anything or anyone, rather to live your life acknowledging the spirits and letting them guide you at times. To live in harmony with the Goddess is to give her her due; and that I think is all she asks. There is this awesome book on my wish list called

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Paganism
Carl McColman
I hate the title but it is a really cool book.

On my final note for this entry, I also have I think found my musical niche. Of course I like most kinds of music by some artists or for certain times and places, but as a whole I think New Age Music as it is called suits me best. I am amazed that no matter how I may be feeling, if I put on one my new CDs it just goes right to my soul. I feel relaxed, calm, and "right" for lack of a better word. I know that sounds weird but Im not sure how else to describe it. My favorite of favorites is Deep Within the Fairy Forest by Gary Stadler and vocals by Wendy Rule. She is awesome and I wish I could find more things by her.

Well thats been some of my thoughts these last few weeks in a nutshell. As the Aussies say, I feel like I have been on a "walkabout" and met myself on the trip.
I just hope that my Sweet Lady can live with the real me. I love her more then anything and being "me" means nothing if I don't have her by my side. She has been my strength to take this journey, and in soo many ways, the reason for my very being......

Don't put bubbles in a jacuzzi or What I learned this weekend.....*grin

2005-10-02T22:24:00.000Z

Hehe
Well we just got back from a marvelous weekend in Lexington! It was romantic and relaxing and yes a little bit funny too of course, hence the title of this entry.

One of the things that K and I had looked forward to most about this weekend was our stay in a bed and breakfast. It was a first for both of us and turned out to be all we had hoped and more! I definately recommend the Montgomery Inn in Versailles KY. Which by the way LOL the locals there pronounce Ver Sales not Ver Sigh Hehehe... Anyway, its a beautiful old Victorian home that has been redone and now has 8 private suites each with their own 2 person jacuzzi among other amenities. Its wonderful and as a plus the Innkeepers are quite gay friendly which is really nice as you can imagine.

But to get to the heart of this story. I soo wanted to make this a special weekend for my Sweet Lady since she deserves it so much and I have been really hard to live with these last few weeks and wanted to let her know how much I love her and appreciate her loving me the way she does. So first I asked the innkeeper to have a tray of cheese and fruit and a bottle of wine waiting for us. That part went off with out a hitch! *grin* It was wonderful and definately put is in the mood. So we then headed out to dinner and had a great german meal at a local pub and couldnt wait to get back to enjoy our first night in this wonderful room. We were also the only guests they had that night too which was neat.
So back we go and I started to fill the tub and thought I would make it extra special with a little bubble bath. Great idea right? Sure was until I turned on the jacuzzi part.... ROFL Either you shouldnt use bubbles at all or I use a bit too much because after about 30 seconds I realized we were going to fill the entire bathroom with bubbles if I didnt turn it off! We were both in hysterics! It was tooo funny! However being the enterprising women we are, we simply turned off the jacuzzi and made fine use of the bubbles as a plain bubble bath.. *weg* It made for a special evening regardless and of course left us with a special memory after all. *grin*
The next afternoon after a great day exploring downtown Lexington and visiting the Thoroughbred Center (which is a cool place by the way). We went back to the room and this time availed ourselves to the joys of a jacuzzi sans bubbles. *wink* It was just as special *giggle* Dinner was a grand feast at the local Seafood haven and we slept like babies that night. This morning we finished off the experience by cuddling to some of our favorite New Age music before heading down to a late and scrumptious breakfast then heading home.

All in All its a weekend we will never forget for so many reasons. Most of all we feel relaxed and refreshed which is what I wanted most. 8-)

Back to being a Poet

2005-09-16T22:13:00.000Z

Well now that I am truly settled both here in TN and with my life with my Sweet Lady *big grin, I feel like I need to get back to being a Poet. Pursing that dream of being published feels like its not an impossiblity anymore and one of my first steps to find the time to get back to Poet's Workshop, another of the boards at iVillage. I was pleased to go there last night and find that the woman who has been my mentor is back as CL after stepping down for a few months so that really made me happy! I posted the What is Poetry? poem there and it was well recieved which is a good start back. Pat the CL told me to make sure I tried the Sept form. One of the things that is so fun about PW is it really stretches you to write in different ways. There are hundreds of different "forms" that poetry can take, like a sonnet for one, or a haiku to name another well known one. But at PW they have fun with the more obsure forms too. The September form is known as Skeltonic Verse and named for the English Poet who came up with it. It is also known as "tumble verse". Its really rather fun and for me right up my alley since I like to right in the short line short verse format. So here is my first stab at it...

No Escape

Hate the cold
gets so old
moving was a bold
next step
with pep
follow the sun
so down I run
lets have more fun
in the south
Shut my mouth

Feeling better
though slightly wetter
we'll always be fettered
by weather
it seems
like a dream
I once had
just be glad
no longer sad
nor mad
for Mother Nature's won
this one.

~Caly D 2005~

A quick addition to the day..

2005-09-15T22:00:00.000Z

First off I need to let all my faithful readers know that I got my results and they were Clear!! Yes!!! Of course it pisses me off that there was no reason that doctor should not have been able to complete that procedure other then the fact I have a slightly sharper angulation from one part of my colon to the next; but come on, this group of doctors bills themselves as the best in the country. HaH!
Best in the country my ass, and I mean that literally LOL
Anyway enough griping for today. I'm too happy to just know that I dont have to face any of this again in a hurry, that Im not going to dwell on that bad stuff any more.

Actually my main reason for this blog entry was to share my latest poem. Several women at the LL board have recently posted poems there, but said either that they weren't very good poems, or not even really poetry, and that got me to thinking. It also produced for me a poem which is rather pleasantly ironic, don't you think? So here is my answer to the them.

What is poetry?

"What is poetry?"
queried the pupil.

"Heart Whispers"
answered the sage.

An abundance of feelings
wrapped in an assortment of letters,
spelled out
upon the page.

Sometimes poetry
just floats in the air,
Softly exhaled
and gone
to memory.

But poetry endures
so long
as there is a beating heart.

~Caly D 2005~

Musical Interlude

2005-09-15T11:12:00.000Z

Now for those of you who read K's blog also, the little surprise she had for me last night was a new CD of songs she had burned for us. We enjoy having music playing in the background when we make Love and we were definately overdue for a night of passion after having had her DDs all last week and then the deal with my colonoscopy (which does not put one in the mood LOL)
Anyway, we were both quite ready hehe..

K has wonderful taste in music and loves to search for new artists and new sounds for us to enjoy. Right now we are particularly fond of New Age type music, and I have always loved Celtic music. So this CD was sort of a mix of things like Enya and a group called Medieval Babes along with others.

Well we were in the midsts of enjoying each others bodies ~weg~ when all of a sudden we are joined in the room by Dr. Martin Luther King telling us "I have a dream..." Now I can make love with a dog in my bed, but trying to do so while listening to a civil rights speech is a bit harder LOL. It turns out that K had wanted to burn a track called "Spiritual High" which comes in 2 versions. One is purely instrumental and the other includes Dr King's speech. Guess which one we got? *grin

Both of us never laughed so hard in our lives. It was actually wonderful though. One thing that has always made our relationship special is that sex will never be the mechanical, same position, 8 second climax, roll over and go to sleep scenario. Every time is unique and different, and if it includes some fun and smiles or giggles then so much the better. It is this intimacy that defines our Love and will always be kept personal between us....

Let me share this though. ( Only I wish that blogs had sound) K has the most wonderfully endearing laugh I have ever heard. It is one of the many many things I love so about her. Nothing makes me smile more then to hear her laugh. Its soft and southern but not that pretensed twittering you hear in sterotypes. Its genuine and soulful and I think of what a nymph in a gladed wood might sound like; or reminds me of the babbling brook from Tennyson's poem that I love, ....."I chatter over stony ways, In little sharps and trebles, I bubble into eddying bays, I babble on the pebbles. ".. Its lyrical.

Its magic is all I can say. 8-) And the music and the laughter keeps my heart as happy as the day is long. I hope all of you find something to smile about today.
*hugs

24 Hours from Hell

2005-09-13T18:00:00.000Z

Hey all. I promise not to be graphic but just a warning that this may be TMI for some. I just sooo need to vent about the day from HELL!

Well I had blogged correctly when I said I would not be able to tolerate the Prep they insisted on doing and had a night I didnt think could ever be topped by anything worse. I KNOW, though they wouldnt believe me, that I am not a person who can tolerate large quanities of liquid at one time. Sure enough the nausea started after only 20 oz of the 64 I was told to consume in 3 hours and once the gagging with every sip began I knew I was in trouble. I tried my best but it was not to be. Chills and shaking set in and before long ALL that I had managed to take down had come back up. As a side note, the box said that vomiting occured in only 5% of those taking this prep.. well guess Im special.... *sigh
I knew now though that I had to do something to clean myself out. I called a very arrogant on call doctor at the center who inferred I didnt try very hard, but agreed I could try the laxative I used on Sunday and managed to keep down. It wasnt easy but I did it. Unfortunately it was waaaay past 9PM now so this stuff didn't start to work till 2 Am. So so much for sleep last night. My fear this morning was I wasn't going to be 'clean' enough to have the test done but I guess I was. Little did I know that as awful as the prep was it was nothing compared to what I faced today. Let me give you a little timeline..
Have a 9 am check in and get there on time...
after giving my history yet again grrrrrrr I am taken back at 9:15 for a 9:30 procedure.
10:00 I am still in the room waiting.....
10:10 they finally take me back and at 10 :15 I get stuck not once but TWICE to start an IV, though they seemed surprised that my veins are hard to find, failing to take into account that I havent had any fluid in my body in almost 12 hours and threw up what little fluid I did have the day before. I loved the part where the first nurse tells me she cant seem to find a vein but will take a "stab' at it anyway. It felt like a forboding for me of what was to come and I was right once again.
10:25 take me back to do the colonoscopy.. I get hooked up to all sorts of monitiors and oxygen etc since they will put me out. Now I can barely move and Nurse says she is going to get doctor.
11:01 I am still waiting.......................................
Finally doctor comes in at 11:05 and puts me out.
I wake up at 11:45 to find out she did an incomplete colonscopy because she couldn't get around one part of my colon. She claims I must have adhesions from a surgery performed 40 years ago though they didnt stop me from having 2 previous complete colonoscopys.
12:00 Nurse says the doctor now wants me to have a lower GI series (which in case you didnt know is a Barium Enema Xray) and do it today since I was already cleaned out. That was the ONLY good thing she did.
1:00 over at radiology getting 1/2 gallon or more of fluid pumped into my colon from the opposite direction of my mouth. (actually easier for me after what I have been thru with the prep, just embarassing as hell.)
50 mins later I am still trying to hold all this fluid in my already distended colon (Full of air from the morning) and changing positions ever 30 seconds, but was actually complemented on how well I do. This doctor and Xray Tech are the nicest people outside of K, that I have met in Tenn. Good thing because its getting painful. She also says that she doesnt see any narrowing of the colon that would have kept the other doctor from finishing but *sigh at least I'm glad she backed off if she couldnt do it and not perforate me. Shortly after that I have the embarrasment of my life by not being able to 'hold on' till I get to the restroom. Spent 10 mins getting cleaned up.
2:15 finally done though I am now told they wont have results till the next day. All I can think is that IF she now finds polyps on the xray, they will have to go BACK IN and remove them! I want to cry but have no fluid to produce tears.

I just can't believe that a medical center that is supposedly one of the best in the country for GI issues can be so much like a stockyard. Never once did what I think get taken into account even though I had been thru this 2x before and I knew my body. I was handed from one tech to another, never seeing the same person twice and I'm sorry but laying on a gurney with your ass exposed while there are 2 other people have the same thing done on either side of you, (which you can hear) even if there is a flimsy curtain is not my idea of compassion. Oh and I can't wait to get the bill for a Doctor that I actually spoke all of a dozen words too, and who spent less then 5 mins either before or after the procedure talking to me.

But I have to end this with a bright note. My darling K was my angel and my sweet protector thru all of this. Only true love holds the can when you are sick and sitting on the toilet, and the next day doesnt seem to notice the barium all over your shoes when you come out of xray. She even did the one thing I needed most before my procedure. She kissed me in public and that meant more then Anything to me. She is my partner and my soulmate and I will cherish her till the day I die and beyond. 8-)

Blogging Blather I suppose..

2005-09-12T16:00:00.000Z

I am sitting here waiting for the latest round of colon prep stuff to kick in, knowing whats to come in a few hours, and desperately needing to take my mind off it. K will be home then to help me thru, and for that I love her dearly. For now though I just sit and miss her. A few years ago I could get lost in internet surfing, but now nothing is quite the same when I am alone.

However, as I read others blogs today and thought about how blogs seem to have taken center stage lately in my cyber circle of friends. How blogs can take on a life of their own when they are just words. I began to wonder, "who do we blog for?" or specifically who do I blog for?

I'm ignorant on the origins of blogs, though I assume they started as a sort of electronic diary for people; only one that never had a lock or a key. But If that was the case then we would blog strictly for ourselves and the reader be damned. LOL I'm sure there are many out there for whom this is the case, though I can bet that for everyone at some level, they KNOW that others will be reading it and therefore either censor or embellish their thoughts; though in the end this seems sad that the blog can not serve its true purpose.

I on the other hand was never the diary type. Things I want to remember most in life are safely stored in my memory, with no need to expose them to air. I have found though, that there are other thoughts that I do want to save for the ages so to speak, not so much for their content (which I wont forget) but rather for their prose and the words themselves. Frustrated writer that I am perhaps; I love to string together thoughts with just the right words, ones that roll of the tongue or better yet leave the reader with a picture in his or her mind. Like painting with letters. I do it with my poetry and this is another form. NOT that I want to write some novel or even a story. There is no urge to capture that much time in a bottle. No, more like a photographer of words. A snapshot of a moment in time.
But to that end, do I indeed write for myself after all then? I want the reader to enjoy their time spend here, but would never write something that didnt come from the heart, and to which I would not feel good about. But if there were no readers (not even one's self) would a blog cease to exist?

Ahhhh so little food in the belly leads to way too much philosophy in the brain I fear. Hence the starving artist connotation, or for today, pun. Hehe

That is one thing I will forwardly admit. When ever I write it is my goal to leave you with a smile. Otherwise for me, "why blog?" 8-)

Girls Girls Girls.........

2005-09-10T07:04:00.000Z

Now I am a Lesbian and I love women. I am comfortable around women and wouldn't want it any other way. However........... I am also a Butch. And while I adore my Femme partner and cherish her daughters last night got a wee bit scarey for this tomboi who raised a son and spent 5 years as a cub scout leader surrounded by teeming testosterone. LOL

The original idea didnt sound so bad. K's oldest DD wanted to have a sleepover for her birthday party. It was only going to be 4 girls. Having withstood the challenge of cub scout den meetings with 9 boys and a week or 2 at Camp Sunrise with over a 100 I figured piece of cake. Well let me tell you the Cake was the easy part. 8-)

It started off with all of us climbing into K's van to head to Wasabi for dinner (Japanese Steakhouse by the way) I was immediately thrown into the world of sing song cheers (that didnt contain bodily functions) and this gaggle of giggling girls talking non stop about the latest fashion. It was a bit eerie to realize that I didnt understand a word they were saying.......
The meal itself was a bit better as we were seated with 2 other older couples and one of the gentlemen ( a man after my own heart hehe) began teasing the girls and telling them that the japanese soup would make their feet smell. LOL I had visions of how my son would have reacted. The girls did get a bit silly and explain how one young lady at school (not at the party thank goodness) did indeed have the stinkiest feet they knew, but that was the extent of the bawdy conversation for the evening.
Back home we first had cake and presents. I did feel really good to hear one child say "I dont like cake, but this is good" ( I had baked the cake) It was heartwarming then to hear the birthday girl say "Caly is special tonight, she baked the perfect cake" As someone trying so hard to find a place in my new family that made my night. But I digress.
From this point on the evening became a feminine blur... One of the gifts received was a large child's cosmetics kit that more items in it then a tackle box, and most I couldnt name. Once it was opened I quickly found a safe perch up off the floor away from the cloud of glitter and watched this group of grade school grecian goddesses do their thing. My partner K just kept looking over at me and smiling as she helped her youngest daughter join in the (dare I say) Fun. They did appear to be having a great time, though this tomboi could only imagine how and made sure that my shoes (sensible wallabee boots mind you) stayed on my feet, as K keep threatening to paint my toes. *grin
All in all it was an experience unique to this pocket knife totting, baseball cap wearing Butch, who could only marvel at the scene and fondly recall similar evenings, only perched on a dirty log around a campfire, eating marshmallows off an unwashed stick and discussing the best pokemon battle tatics.
Sunday Football is looking mighty good this week! ROFL

Why Worry?

2005-09-08T08:00:00.000Z

Ok, see if you can follow this convoluted scramble of logic and see perhaps why this week has been hard for me....

I have 2 major medical problems in my Life. I have bad gums and I have colon issues. Both have come into play the last month. Before moving to TN I saw the same dentist for 35 years and we managed to control my gingivitis without a problem even though we can never cure it because I breath thru my mouth when I sleep. Anyway, because of my divorce and move and no job or insurance for so long, I knew my teeth would be bad when I finally got to see a dentist again after a year. However I had NOT planned on this.
The first guy a saw was a quack! He had No chairside manor and refused to talk to me about my teeth, rather he just sent me to his receptionist to schedule more appts. He got his pick stuck in my teeth and I knew did not clean them properly. After 35 yrs you know how it needs to be done. So being upset over that, K suggests I go see her Dentist even though they are way out west and rather expensive. I thought the cost would be worth it. However they took the opposite approach and are now basically wanting to redo my mouth and are scaring me into thousands of dollars worth of work I cant afford to try and keep my teeth. The bad thing is that I have spent $400 already for a cleaning of only half my mouth with lots of novicane and pain, and the strong suggestion that I use this sonic toothbrush that is leaving me with a dull pain in my mouth constantly and I cant take anything for the pain because of next weeks colonoscopy. But maybe the medical profession is better down here...
Ok on to the other end.... Colon cancer runs in my family. My grandfather died of it, My mother had a tumor removed at age 60. My father and his sister both had bowel resections for diverticuliosis. To top it off, I had major bowel surgery at age 4 to remove colon polyps. In 1992 I had a colonoscopy as a baseline and they found only internal hemerroids but in 2002 they found 2 precancerous polyps and said I needed to go every 3 years now for a follow up. That is bad enough right?
Bring in the fact that after the last colonoscopy I ended up in the hospital for 2 days with bleeding which turned out to be scabs from the polyps being removed. Now fast forward to now... I have moved so need to find new doctors. I find a nice general doctor thank goodness who sets me up for the procedure. I have a prep meeting I think with the doctor this week. I prepared to discuss my history with her and get some reassurance about all of this... wrong!
Instead I end up at some clinic that is more like a scene from a sci fi movie then a doctors office. First I see the info desk then they send me to a colon prep receptionist who make me fill out another history even though I have the one in my hand that they sent me to fill out. Then I think I get to see the doctor but No, I see an 'expert' nurse who doesnt care that I have done this before and know my system and Know that the prep they want me to use is to harsh. "Ms Compassionate" has seen plenty of colons in the last 25 years and she knows it all. I finally convince her to at least let me do the prep that I did 10 years ago which I know will only cause me severe chills and nausea but hopefully not the cramps and bleeding I fear from the other method. Now I figure I can talk to the doctor, but No I get the insurance rep who tells me I will have to pay all that the insurance doesnt.. and trust me.. the Salvation Army may insure that your soul is covered but doesnt do much for the rest of you. I only can imagine what this will cost me. No worries right? Might as well clean out the savings acct alone with my bowels. Then the final blow to all of this is I am told that they dont use the 'twilight' drug I am use to for this. They are going to put me out with some 'new class' of sedative. We all trust the track record of new drugs right? So now who knows if I will ever wake up after this procedure. I refused anything but an epidural for my 2 D&Cs because I didnt want to be put to sleep. Now I have no choice.
Of course it might be easier if I new K could comfort me for all of this. But she is not "out' and this is TN which means that day, she cant even hold my hand or give me a kiss before they take me off for what could be............
Finally I will have to get the results which given my family history could be bad news.

But no need to worry right?.............................

Never underestimate the Power of Love

2005-09-07T17:00:00.000Z

My sweet sweet Lady cheered my heart today when I needed it most. No matter how many times you hear "I Love You", sometimes when it comes in a card or note at an unexpected time, its power is tenfold. 8-)

I was down today because I found out "our" time next week will be cut short because we will have K's 2 young daughters 2 days that normally would be time they are with Dad. Now having the girls is not what got me down. I love them to pieces and I would never keep my Baby from her babies, I know how being away from your children feels....
No what has me so frustrated is the fact that we when her X says 'jump" we have to say "How high?" because on a whim he has to power to ruin our lives by taking the girls away from us. All because we live in Tennessee. Its just so hard sometimes because the one thing I promised myself when I pulled myself out of my depression back in 2003 that NO ONE would ever control my life again the way I had let My X and my mother control it. Now I find myself in a situation totally beyond my control. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh. It just makes me so sad sometimes. I just dont want anyone to think its that I dont want the girls around. I just want to be able to be a "real" Family and live and love my K like any other person in this world..
That and the fact that because we have the girls this week and that Monday and Tuesday next week will be hard days because of my colonoscopy. I sort of had my heart set on a small intimate 'celebration' Tues night, IF my test results were good. Im soo scared they wont be though.. but no time for that fear today...

K's card today however sent my heart soaring just to read the words so sweetly written. All I have ever wanted in my Life is to be needed and K Needs me and that is enough..... 8-)

Why cant I get things out of my mind?

2005-08-31T19:32:00.000Z

Not sure where this post will go or what it will cover but I really just need to vent. The last few days havent been good for me depression wise and I have been trying to hold it together for K's sake.
Monday I go get a second opinion at another dentist because the first one I saw was a Quack! At least in my book. The new dental place is much better (K recommended it) but with good service comes a hefty price and I fear among other things that my insurance isnt going to consider their fees "reasonable and customary". The worst part is though, that they did confirm some of what the first dentist said and that I need LOTS of work on my teeth. Among things like pulling 2 wisdom teeth and another tooth. 2 sessions of periodontal cleaning to save my gums and supposedly 2 crowns, though I am going to have to draw the line at this one. Crowns alone would cost me $500 each IF the insurance covers the rest of their cost. It just has me soooooo depressed because my last $2,500 I had saved from my divorce settlement was suppose to last for a long time and hopefully be used towards K and I buying a house someday. Its all the money I have left and may cost me all of it to save my teeth. All the other cash from my divorce got eaten up by my move down here....It just scares me so to be broke for one thing.. One of the reasons I got divorced was my Ex always had us deep in debt and I cant stand to live like that. Before I got married I always had enough money for everything AND a savings. Now I could lose everything. Because on top of this, I could very well get slammed by the IRS next year. I have to pay taxes on my alimony and part of my settlement money (some is tax free but not all) and to top it off, I DONT get to claim my son next year, the EX does. We alternated years. *sigh
Then add to my depression the fact that more then anything I promised to take care of K and make her life easier, not harder. I know her parents will begin to hate me if I cant take care of her and I dont blame them. She deserves happiness after all she has been thru and instead she has to deal with my woes too. I know its hard on her because she is trying so hard to not have the pressure of negatives in her life, since they dont help her keep control of her bi-polar; but its soo hard for me to not worry. Its like asking me to just change my DNA.. but I try soo hard for her because I promised I would (and I will do anything) for her.....but I know I am letting her down and that depresses me Most of all.
Now I am faced with another scary situation in my life and I want so much to block it out, till it happens but I dont know how.
Colon cancer runs in my family and I am at High risk because of that and the fact that I have had pre cancerous polyps removed 3 years ago. Now I need to have a colonoscopy done every 3 years and they called today to say I have one scheduled for Sept 13th. The actual procedure doesnt scare me or bother me at all. What has me sooo anxious is the fact that I found out today what kind of pre procedure prep this doctor uses and Im about to throw up over it. Its nothing like my 2 previous ones and seems soo hard on my body, Im shaking just thinking about it. I dont understand why they would need me to do all these things. In the past I cleaned out just fine with 2 small doses of magnisum citrate. This one calls for 3 laxitives 2 days before, then a Large dose of MC in the afternoon, 32 oz of liquid with glycolax in it in the evening, then Another LARGE dose of MC and then 3 more laxitives the night before.... My frigging insides will come out! I dont think I can do it but I cant not have this done because I dont want to die. I just think I will die before I ever get there if I have to do all this. Im scared shitless of trying to do all that (but maybe then I wont have to do any of it LOL... sorry for the bad humor)
But truly I am sooo scared and depressed. I know K will say dont worry about it and just talk to the doctor next week when I go for the prep visit, but I cant get it out of my mind.. Why cant I get things out of my mind?
The final top off of this is K is going to have to take off work to drive me there and back because they sedate me. I dont want her to get in trouble missing work or wasting a day off on me, but I need her there so bad.. I cant imagine trying to do this without her. Because if they find any polyops again, I may have happen what happened last time. A week after they removed them I started bleeding and ended up in the hospital for 2 days. This whole thing has me more of a wreck then K or anyone realizes and I dont know what to do..How do I get thru all this? Why can't I just let it go like K wants me to? Why does my mind not let go?

The Goddess within

2005-08-27T10:00:00.000Z

Greetings you patient perusers of my prattling prose! I have finally returned to finish the tale of my inward search. Well perhaps not finish, since it is a journey, not a destination, but at least give you a small glimpse of what I have found.

Not sure all or any of you know but I consider myself a born again Pagan. Hehe about the born again part. I actually have been a pagan all my life and just didnt realize it because catholisim was being forced down my throat at the time. My earliest memory of religion though was asking my mother " if God is everywhere, why do we have to go to church to pray?" That didnt go over well! LOL But it is always how I have felt. I have felt the spirits of nature since I was a child and have been fascinated by the Native American ideas of living one's faith rather then having it preached to me. I have always known there are Goddesses too, since when I did have to suffer the trials of catholic church, my prayers were to the virgin Mary, not Jesus. But I digress from the point of my parable *grin.

One of the things that Beth pointed out to me when I met her, was how profound my chosen nickname was. I have always said to myself that Carolyn was who my mother wanted me to be but Caly is who I am. Anyway, it turns out that there is a Goddess named Caly, or rather pronounced Caly but spelled Kali. Full name is Kali Ma. She is an indian goddess and her story can be read here.
http://www.spiralgoddess.com/Kali.html .
At first I was disappointed in the thought of being connected to such a fierce and warrior goddess because I consider myself a lover not a fighter in so many ways. But K pointed out to me that I do love to play a warrior in my RPG game Everquest and I guess I do have that side to me in my butchness at times. Also once I read beyond the intial description of her, I realized Kali Ma is the goddess of Balance. The fire that destroys and then rebirths the forest. That without darkness there can be no light and that Kali Ma clears the darkness to allow the light to shine again. Finally when I read in another Pagan publication that Kali Ma is also a Lesbian Goddess, I knew that I had found my inner spirit indeed.
I hope to delve deeper into my spiritual quest as time goes on. I am not one to Practice a religion persay as I think religion is often the antithesis of God or the Goddesses. I try rather to live my faith as my love of nature bears witness.
Good Day.

Cool Week

2005-08-25T11:15:00.000Z

I have had the coolest week and Tropopause if you are reading this, you will be very proud of me. Hehe.
I do know that its time to put some of my energy into changing the world. Margaret Mead said "Never doubt that a small group of committed citizen can change the world, Indeed, its the only thing that ever does."
Anyway, I have joined the local HRC Meetupgroup and intend to become a member of TEP which is the Tennessee Equality Project. I went to a meeting last Thursday and got to meet one of our local representatives to State Legislature and learn a little of what the outlook is for Gays in TN. Not great if we dont do Something! Fortunately we do have a few supporters in the Legistlature and an awesome Lobbist on our side. But I do realize now how important it is for ALL of us to speak up in some way, IF we expect change. No one else is going to do it for us.
But the other cool things that came out of this meeting, was that I met a contributing editor to the Local Gay Newspaper. "Out and About". She is an great lady and was much impressed by my story of moving all the way to TN to be with my Sweet Lady. She has asked if she can do a story on me for the next issue! I am very honored. Not that I think I did anything special (nothing more then anyone else would do for someone they loved) But if sharing my story will help someone else have the strength to make positive changes in their life too then it means alot to me. Ontop of this she also gave me a lead on having my Poem published 8-) ~ and has turned me on to some info that is helping me find the Goddess within me... Unfortunately I will have to address that in my next blog entry... so like the season finale of your favorite show... I leave you with....... TO BE CONTINUED.... *giggle

Words are all we have...

2005-08-14T11:55:00.000Z

Oh the power of words both good and bad.... The title comes from a line in a BeeGees song..."and words are all I have, to take your heart away"

I thought about the children's rhyme too.."Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you" How untrue is that? I think words can cause hurt much deeper then a knife which at least is a tangible wound and can heal.. The pain from words sometimes lingers for a lifetime..

Today though I am about the Good words do and how they can be so incredibly uplifting and positive too. And what amazes me is, its often its the most simple of phrases at a time you least expect them, and that is why Im blogging today.

Last week when my Son was here he spent lots of time on the computer talking to internet peers thru an RPG group he belongs too. Its great to see him starting to reach out to the world and explore some of the horizons open to him. Anyway, I happened upon a page of posts he had left up when I was shutting down the computer one night. Though I would never purposely spy on my kid, I couldnt help but reading this exchange...
Missy~ " Hey I think Jen might be Bi"
Alex~ "why do you say that?
Missy~ "She told me she has a crush on Meghan"
Alex ~ "Wow"
Missy~ "Does that bother you all?"
Jordan(my son)~ " Nah, my Mom's a Lesbian, why would it bother me?"

Thats a bit of a paraphrase of course, except for the line by my son, thats an exact quote. And when I read it, it just made me sooo incredibly happy. First off to think that my Son is that sure of himself that he can share something like that with Peers is amazing, and secondly that he is apparently totally cool with who I am, takes an incredible load off my mind 8-)

The second set of words that filled me with happiness, happened also out of the blue. K and I watched Million Dollar Baby last night and after it was over I was feeling a bit emotional. Once again just thinking about my future and the unpredicabilty of life in the good sense and the bad. It just makes me want to live the life I have to the fullest no matter what....
So with that, I said to K the words that I have felt for a long time.."Will you marry me someday?" And her reply of "of course Sweetheart" sent a rush of happiness down to my toes that I hadnt expected. I mean I knew it would make me happy, but some times words just do more then that..It once again took our relationship to an even deeper and more meaningful level. God I love that woman!

Gosh, I know I'm rambling.. but that is what a blog is for right? To capture a moment in words and seal it in cyberspace forever.... 8-)

Date Night

2005-08-12T07:45:00.000Z

A chance to reconnect. I dont think either of us realized how much we needed to do that. You can be so close to a person everyday and not really 'be there', its pretty wild. I think what happened is we have spent soo much of the past year being able to be totally there for each other, that the change to having our Kids and work and families needing us too, just became alot to juggle and because our Love is so strong, we kept connected that way, but when you are soulmates with a person, the connections go so much deeper then that.

Last night's date produced a poem, but it only speaks to one aspect of our reconnection. Sooooo much more of it was emotional and mental and spiritual then just the physical. But I truly dont have the words to express those feelings. It was incredible and wonderful and fullfilling in ways I hadnt even imagined when I decided we needed a date night.

It was fun too! hehe I bought K a rose and actually left the apartment and came around again to front door to 'pick her up' for our date. We went to the movies and held hands and just relaxed before coming home to music and candles and a bit of romance. This poem speaks to that part of the night...

7 Votives

Flames form a sanctuary
Darken the universe
Create our world

Heat builds
Unfed by flame
Inner fire burns

Hot night
Dripping wax
Wetness fuels the flame

<>

Well I would love to write more but work calls......

I want to Marry K !!

2005-08-07T09:00:00.000Z

For the longest time, I thought that those fighting so hard to be able to marry were silly because a piece of paper doesnt change feelings or does not having one make a relationship any less real or meaningful.

And part of me still feels that way. My partnership with K is as real to us as anything on earth. In our God's eyes we are together because of the love and committment we have for each other and nothing more is needed.

Im realizing though How much it hurts and how hard it is when No one else in the world recognizes that union or supports your feelings. I have worn her ring for almost a year now and no one knows what it means. It was a stab in my heart the other day when my Son offhandedly said "K isnt family" Especially because of all the people in my life who do know about us, he is the most accepting and relaxed about Us when we are together. What does that say?

It just makes me feel SOO Alone. I realize that at this time if something happens to me, I will have to die alone, which is my greatest fear. Because No one recognizes the importance of K in my life and she would be kept from my side legally and socially because No one thinks what we have is real.

K's parents treat me like part of the family most times, but I know if any major decisions have to made about anything, I would be totally left out. Im not even in K's Will. Even little decisions about Holidays and trips dont include me in the process, only that they know I will be tagging along.

Thats what it feels like tagging along. The most important people in K's lives (her kids) dont even know about me. Im allowed to be pushed aside if they want something and I understand why K does it. They are her flesh and blood and in truth I am nothing.

Love works in our hearts but means nothing to the world... Im just so afraid to die alone......................

Why is this so hard?

2005-07-29T07:22:00.000Z

Its stupid really. Im a grown woman and I should know better. Of course I understand deep down why, I am older and they are just kids...but it doesnt make it any easier.. maybe part of it is because it makes me feel so worthless like when I was a kid. When my grandfather died, I wasnt allowed to show any emotion because it would upset my brother and sister and I was "older"...

But you cant help having feelings... I guess what I want most is for someone to understand that.. I cant talk about this... it makes me feel even more worthless, because I cant be the 'bigger person' and just pretend it doesnt matter...

but it makes me feel like I dont matter. I am already considered some sort of sociopathic loser down South and a depraved monster who is going to harm children by my partners ex husband, and those things are eating at my self esteem more each day. I worked so hard for 2 years to convince myself I was a good person and now I have to hide that fact because the kids are 2 young to understand....

I know I'm rambling, I know it makes no sense. I know I just have to 'suck it up' and deal with it, because they do come first and always will...

I guess thats really what I cant talk about because I cant be like 'him'.. I dont ever want to be like 'him'....
but have you ever wanted to just once feel .... no I wont say it... It doesnt matter... My mom is right, when you have kids your not suppose to be happy..

Its just with my age and the kids ages, Im not sure I will live to get a chance to be happy... I was given this gift of a soulmate, but for how long? I fear dying so much...

Can ANYONE understand how hard it is to Love someone soo much and have to hide that Love? To be in the same room and have to pretend you dont exist.. to need Touch sooo much and not be allowed to touch? Because it makes you some depraved monster?

I know some of this is hormones... Hell Im 45 and going thru perimenopause on top of it all....
The world has an awful sense of humor doesnt it?............

Where are they coming from?

2005-07-25T07:05:00.000Z

The nightmares that is. I feel like I havent had a peaceful nights sleep in almost a week and its driving me crazy. The dreams are never the same 2 nights in a row, and more bizarre then really scary but still I wake up exhausted sometimes. Last night's dealt with first not remembering where I worked and running around trying to get K to help me remember. Then when I did remember and tried to get there it turned in to my old high school and first I was in the auditorium with all this people I wondering why I wasnt asked to be on the basketball team. Then instead they ask me to run the bake sale and I think that is better then nothing. So I am really late for work now and when I get to the basement where the Kitchen is, first there is an Italian resturant there with people I dont know and then the staff I am suppose to be in charge of not knowing who I am.

This dream may have to do with some of the issues I'm having at work which I can understand. But I have had bizarre dreams too lately that seem to have nothing to do with anything.

I just want to sleep and rest... *sigh I may look up and see if this is another perimenopause symptom and if it is ... GRRRRRRRRRRRR I cant take 10 years of this!

First Poem for the Blog

2005-07-22T17:22:00.000Z

Well today I finally finished a poem that has been running around my head for 2 months. I have always said that I don't write poetry, it writes itself when its ready. This seems so true with this one. I have been collecting images in my head of the men who eat at the Salvation Army, knowing there are poems to be found there and finally one has emerged. The more I read it the more I like it so hopefully others will too.. But one thing I have always been certain about, I don't write to please the masses, I write what is in my heart.

Leprechaun

Chipped nails
and oversided knuckles
grip the brown paper fiercely.

Deep set eyes
dart quickly 'round
for safety,
While thin lips
mutter thanks.

Nesting then
upon and overturned milk crate,
hunched shoulders
guard the prize.

Yesterday's ham
between two slices of bread
and a twinkie.

A toothless smile
lingers over this
pot of gold

and I am the leprechaun.

~Caly D 2005~

What do I need?

2005-07-22T11:19:00.000Z

I have been thinking about this alot since K asked me yesterday if she filled my needs. She does in every way 8-) What do I need though? I know most of all I need physical touch. Whether its because I didnt get it as a child or its just something deep inside of me. When K touches me it is like being placed in a deep pool of warm water. Every part of me relaxes no matter what may be going on in my life or my head. The feelings of love that spring forth are immeasurable. Its so beyond the erotic turn on that so many feel is what Love is about. Its an emotional connection like we are one person and all my hopes and fears can travel over the connection and I am taken care of forever.Thats why I think it has gotten SOO hard for me to not be "out" as a couple in so many situations. When we walk the dog along the river and we dont hold hands its like suddenly being put in a sealed glass box. People see the pain but can not help and Im slowly suffocating. I never thought that the touch of another person could mean so much..What else do I need? I think the only other thing is to be needed. I have said that all my life in all areas. Feeling like I am part of things and serve a purpose is what drives me. With K and the girls its sooo important to me to feel like I am part of the family and included in plans and solutions..Beyond that my needs are simple...
Knowing that I have what I need to take care of My Sweet Lady...as far as food, shelter and the day to day things go.. things all of us need.......

Need to Vent

2005-07-20T17:04:00.000Z

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Now this is a reason for having a blog! I get so annoyed sometimes at things that go on at message boards but obviously cant post my thoughts there because I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. *sigh Now I totally understand about why a friend has said what she has said in her blog.

I love sex with K sooo much and I love to hint about our fun sometimes at the LL board, however hearing the graphic details from certain people about their sexual exploits I find soooo highly unnessesary. Just drives me crazy!!!!!!! There is soo much more to life then sex,, contrary to the opinion of most men and some women 8-)

Ok done venting LOL

Joining the multitude

2005-07-19T21:54:00.000Z

Well, I had often said I wouldnt do this because I just dont have the time any more for ONE more thing at the computer. But realizing it would easier to comment on others blogs if I had an account was the final push to make me do this. That and maybe sometimes I Do need a place to blow off steam and maybe this will be it. I am also thinking it may be a good place to gather some of my poetry that at the moment is floating all over cyber space LOL

By the way, in case anyone is wondering, I chose Moon Shadows as a title because the Moon gives off no light of its own but rather reflects the light of the Sun, hence the shadows here will be a reflection of me 8-)